1 Month & Updates

I'd still like to keep up on my blog so I thought it might be easiest to try and update once a month.
My mind is all over the place this morning so that's how this blog may turn out as well so here is a warning in advance.

I want to start by saying Thank You God for blessing us with everything you have given us. We have 3 beautiful daughters, a house, some income, loving families, and we're all healthy. I need to take more time and pray and just say Thank You. I don't do that enough.

Josie will already be 1 month old on the 26th! Why do babies have to grow up so fast? She is doing great! She is a very good baby. Can't get enough of her cuteness. She is beautiful just like her sisters. I still can't believe she's here. I got pregnant on birth control!!! So glad that didn't work! =) She still seems very calm like we noticed right after she was born. She's always pretty content. She nurses usually every 2 hours sometimes more often during the day. At night its usually always 2 hours or maybe a touch closer to 3 hours. It's been great because I'll feed her at night and then she just lays right down and by the time she wakes up again I realize it's been 2 or 2+ hours. Some nights I don't feel like I get the full 2 hours of sleep each time but it feels great. I have an app on my phone that I use to keep track of her eating so I don't have to remember when she nursed last. She does have a tendency to spit up at times which I'm not used to - Abby and Jasmine never spit up. She doesn't burp a lot though so I'm thinking that may be why. I read an article about spitting up and since her's is not a lot is seems pretty normal so I'm not concerned. Only thing right now that I'm trying to figure out is when I should pump. I need to start saving some milk for times that I'd need to be gone and I haven't found the right times yet. The other day I pumped so Josh could feed her and she was not happy. So she'll need more practice with the bottle as well. Love her infinity.

Speaking of babies growing up too fast! Abby turned 7 already on April 17th. She seems like she's 18! We went to Chuck E Cheese to celebrate. She invited her friend Grace Houtman also. She was so excited. She loves Grace. She got a tablet, a guitar, a lalaloopsy, some barbies, money, a shirt. Very spoiled =). We had cake and donuts. Chuck E Cheese was a lot of fun. She's been doing some tutoring with Aunt Sue. We also got her report card for this period and she seems to be improving. =) She's still our sweet big girl. Love her infinity.

Jasmine is 5 going on 16! Little Miss Detail with Attitude. She's Momma's girl but man..she's been quite the "handful" lately. Not sure if this is because she is no longer the youngest or what? For example the other day I thought it would be fun to take the girls to the park. Well she said she COULD NOT GO TO THE PARK unless she changed because she had a hole in her tights and she didn't want anyone to see it. I told her that there wasn't anyone at the park and also the hole was hidden so no one would see it. She continued to yell that she refused to go to the park unless she changed as she pounded her fist on the van chair. I then continued to say that we would not be going to the park with that attitude. Then Abby started crying and I thought well I don't really want to punish Abby and I really wanted to go to the park (I probably should have taken both girls to the park and told Jasmine she had to stay in the van) I don't know. So I ended up saying - Here's the deal...we'll go home and change (she did have high heels on anyway) BUT then you need to clean your room when we get home. When we got home they did clean there room some and I finished it yesterday. So I'm hoping I can handles these type situations better the next time or something so this doesn't continue to happen. Some days I feel like the girls don't listen to me well. =(
Still love her infinity! =)

Josh has been having some hard days at work. Thankfully the girl that he was having a hard time with quit. We are thankful he has a job and thankful he'll be getting more hours BUT when she did work there he was getting out of work at 4:30 instead of 5:30 and he was getting some Saturdays off so we're praying that once they find a replacement that he'll go back to getting out at 4:30 and having some Saturdays off! I'm grateful that he has been working so hard to provide for us. I love him more than I can say and some days I'm a horrible wife for not showing it more.

Ok now on to ME. Who cares right?! That's kind of how I feel lately. Ridiculous I know. I think these postpartum blues are still lingering and I'm hoping they go away quickly. The blues have nothing to do with Josie - she's great. I don't even really know how to describe everything well enough. I just still worry so much and think too much about everything. I haven't even prayed about anything. It frustrates me but yet why haven't I changed that then? I've felt like I haven't wanted to be very social. I feel like I can never keep up with the house work. I feel like we're going to loose our house because I don't have a job. I feel upset about everything that happened with work. I feel like I make the girls do too much. I feel like a bad wife. I feel extremely fat and feel like I'll never loose weight...have to return to medical weight loss and I feel like I won't be able to do it. I could really go on and on. Some days have been great and if I get out of the house I feel much better. The sunny days are the best. I think just over time all this will go away or at least I'm hoping.

Even with all the negative thoughts floating around in my head, I'm extremely excited to see what God has planned for me next. As most of my loyal followers ;) know... I will not be returning to B & S. This makes me very happy! I can sub and I'm also hoping to grow my cleaning business again. SO PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD THAT I CLEAN HOMES! LIKE & Share my facebook page too!  www.facebook.com/HomeCleaningbyAmanda

This will allow me to run my own schedule. I'm also going to keep my eye open for other things as well because if cleaning doesn't work out I'll need some income. That's the only part that worries me - having enough income.

To be honest I'm kind of "upset" with the way things ended up with B&S. I had asked several times if they could tell me if I'd return after maternity leave or not and I never got a straight answer. I had gotten an email asking for help and it was a quick explanation so I replied. Then I sent an email asking if I'd be returning and got no response. I then got a 2nd email asking for help so I sent another email telling them to respond to my email first because I did not want to keep replying with answers if I was not going to be returning! The response I finally got was...

Amanda-

At this time we do not have a position available.

Really? It makes me feel like I was a stranger asking if they were hiring and I just get this auto reply that there are no positions available. I wish they could have just been honest with me from the beginning. If they did not want me to return I wish they would have just told me that sooner. In some ways I feel like they did that so I'd stick around to train. I really don't know. I could be way off - I could be wrong? This is just the impression I got. Sometimes I wish I could just have this big sit down talk about the entire situation to ask all my questions to ease my mind ... but I don't know if I'd be given the truth. Some days I felt like I was loved - other days I felt like I was garbage to them. ?!!? 

I don't want this to bother me. I know God has something 100% better for me. His timing is perfect and I trust him. I just need to pray more and really trust that all will be OK! 

Anyways.. 

I always tell my girlies I love them infinity so I found a picture online that means infinity...I showed the girls so now we do that every morning when I drop them off for school. I love you infinity Josh & My 3 girlies. 

2 Week Appointments, Etc

Josie and I both had our 2 week appointments. Her appointment was a just kind of a "well child" check up and mine was to check my c-section incision.

I'm down 20 lbs since she was born so that makes me happy - still have 24lbs to loose to get to my lowest weight when I was doing Medical Weight Loss. Josh and I will be doing MWL again starting sometime in May. The nurse said my incision looked good. I still have some bruising otherwise everything looked normal. My next appointment is my 7 week check up Thurs May 16th.

My emotions are still kind of riding a roller coaster. One minute I'm feeling great, the next sad. I haven't felt like being very social either. =( I haven't had any episodes like I did on Easter though. I think the main thing that is making me the most emotional right now is just my whole work situation. I don't want it keeping me from being happy during maternity leave but I just can't stop thinking about it. God knows what my future holds and I trust him - I really do - and I know everything will be OK - because GOD is GREAT!!... I just wish I would stop thinking about it! I emailed my bosses on Monday and I haven't gotten a response yet as to whether or not they've decided yet if I'll be returning.  If I don't return I'll probably try to clean again (plus sub) until I can find something part time. Of course I'd love to be a full time stay at home Mom but I know I need some part time income to help pay bills. If I do end up cleaning and that keeps me busy enough then of course I won't search for anything else. I love subbing so maybe eventually something would open at the school also? If you can pray about this for me i'd really appreciate it...I'd even love to be able to work from home some way / some how ... just don't know what's going to happen??

Josie's appointment went great! She was 10lbs 3 oz (94.05%) 22in (100%) her head was 39.4cm (100%) =) Big Healthy Josie. ♥ Dr. said "She's Perfect" just like he says for all my girlies. I agree ♥ ;). 

I am breastfeeding so it makes me feel great knowing she's eating enough and is healthy and happy. She is pretty calm all the time which the Dr said could be how she is from here on out =).
She is eating very well and started breastfeeding right away with no issues. There are times when she wants to nurse often which is probably more for comfort than to eat but it's a great bonding time and I love it. The closeness you feel is indescribable. The moments when she smiles and laughs are so cute - even though I know they aren't the real kind of smiles and laughs yet. She even has breastmilk at the moment so it's like she's got little boobies.

She has been sleeping well. She nurses about every 2 hours. Normally if she nurses before 2 hours it's just during the day. She eats and then goes to sleep and then her diapers are normal. She rarely cries. Just a great baby! Hopefully this doesn't jinx anything (hehe just kidding).

Abby is our little Momma - she loves to hold Josie and she's so proud that she can lift her and carry her and hand her off to me. Ever since Abby was born she's always been a giggler. We keep saying she is going to teach Josie how to laugh.

Jasmine says Josie is her's forever and calls her sweetie all the time. So we think she'll teach Josie how to say sweetie =). Jasmine always asks if she can hug and kiss her before she just does it.

I have 2 wonderful helpers and they love there sister TONS.

Josh is still being wonderful. Normally once he gets home from work he does all the diapers. Plus he still does the cooking and most of the time has been doing the dishes. I don't make him do anything with Josie at night so he can get sleep for work. Some times he has changed Josie's diaper before he leaves for work though. Very thankful for a wonderful husband who is such a loving husband and daddy. The look in his eyes when he looks at his girlies is priceless.

Josie's Birth Story (LONG)

This may be a little all over the place - and I'm sure there are grammar errors etc but still says what I want it to ;) It's long! =)

My c-section was scheduled for Tues March 26th at NOON but we had to be to the hospital at 10am.

Josh and I slept decent but both of us were very excited to just get to the hospital. Abby and Jasmine spent the night at Grammy Jill & Papa Jerry's house so they could come to the hospital with them.

We got the hospital sometime between 9:30am and 10am. This was the first time we had to use the new women's entrance instead of the emergency entrance. Josh pulled up to the doors and I was asked if I wanted a wheelchair (didn't need one this time like I did with Jasmine). When you walk in they have a welcome desk then someone brought me to the Maternity Ward part of the entrance while Josh parked the van.

The guy that brought me was very kind. Everyone I spoke with that day I told them we didn't know what we were having so I didn't have to explain that Josh and I knew, etc. ;)

We checked in at the maternity ward and then I was taking back to a little room to put on my robe and get my iv put in etc. Plus answer about 50-100 questions. I dislike IV's they are such a pain. At one point I had to carry my IV with me to go to the bathroom and part of it came off so I was bleeding all over the floor (didn't realize it right away) that felt awkward standing in the middle of the hall while they cleaned it all up. Thankfully I had another robe to cover the back of me LOL.

Most of the staff was pleasant, some were learning etc and at times moments felt awkward - especially with some of the men nurses who were about my age (funny story about one of them to come).

All of my family came to give me a hug before they waited in the waiting room then we just sat and watched TV. I was pretty calm - some nerves.

Fast forward to a little before NOON... I had to take an antacid - YUCK that was so bitter. I laughed and thought it was good my dad didn't have to drink that I don't think he could have done it. ;)
gh
I was taken back to the c-section room - I can't remember exactly what time but it was close to NOON. Josh  couldn't come in until they were done with the spinal. I would have rather had him there with me to hold my hand etc instead of the nurse there for support but she was very nice. As soon as they did the spinal I was numb almost immediately it felt like. Then they had to put tape on my belly to hold all my fat out of the way - that must have looked beautiful. Josh finally came in and then everything started. The only thing you really feel is just tugging and pulling. Then I the anesthesiologist said they were at my uterus and wouldn't be too much longer - I can't remember if Josh said she has lots of hair first or if they said it's a girl first - either way I remember both and then I just bawled as soon as I heard her sweet cry. She was born at 12:26pm so that didn't take too long.

As they were finishing my surgery I felt like all my weight was being held up by my shoulders - it was awful and hurt badly. Finally I asked if they could somehow prop the bed up because it hurt so bad.  They moved it a little bit but then I got very nauseous and threw up. I felt a touch better after that. I think that antacid made it worse. Thankfully the whole time though I got to watch the nurses clean up Josie - I just kept crying. She was absolutely beautiful and I kept saying I love her lips and her hair. Then they weighed her. At first it brought up kilograms or whatever so they switched it to lbs and as soon as it popped up 9lbs 10oz I cried again. I was really hoping she was going to be my biggest baby.

Once we were done Dr. Wisebaker said that everything went very well. Then we were ready to go to recovery. Our original plan was that once we were done in the recovery room we wanted to have the girls come to our room first so they could go back to the waiting room and announce BOY OR GIRL but when they had to wheel me out of recovery we had to be wheeled right past the waiting room so we had to come up with a new plan. We decided once I'm wheeled out that they would come into a little section before you got to the waiting room and then they could go tell. As they were walking back to tell my Dad was standing outside the waiting room and I thought for sure before they announced GIRL that he saw Josie's yellow hat and would have guessed girl 1st. He said he didn't see her hat though. So then they announced it. My sister got it on video if you check her FB page. I remember my sister saying IT's A GIRL! IT's a GIRL! Then Jasmine (Mrs. Detail) was like I was right! It's a girl! =) There were some I thought for sure it was a BOY!!

EVERY BODY!!! THOUGHT IT WAS A BOY!!! (That's why I was so touchy when people said HE/ HIM/ BOY etc). If it would have been a boy and everyone thought girl I would have been the same way. I can't imagine having anyone except JOSIE. She is absolutely perfect!

We originally picked up the names - Jenna Suh Miller and Joshua Stafford Miller but then we changed those to Josie Suh Miller and Jase Stafford Miller.

I'm so glad we chose Josie (pronounced JO-SEE) (no Z) - I love it. It means God will Add. I thought that was very fitting because I had always said I'd love to just have one more baby ... add one more ;). Her middle name is Suh (pronounced Sue) after the Detroit lions football player. Josh of course is a huge fan.

JOSIE SUH MILLER
3-26-13
9LBS 10 OZ 22IN

She is absolutely perfect. She looks a lot like both of the girls. I love that I can say MY GIRLIES!

We stayed in the hospital until Thursday. Thankfully they let us come home otherwise we would have had to stay until Friday. I actually was the most sore once we got home but I didn't want to be in the hospital bed anymore. Nurses and Dr's come in so many times it gets very tiring.

Most of the staff was pleasant some of the nurses were better than others and some just plain annoyed me. I just felt the most awkward when it was men nurses who were either younger than me or my age. One of the guys that was in training kind of made me laugh. The most awkward moment was when he came in on Thursday morning and the first question he asked was word for word.. "Have you farted yet?"
Thankfully I was able to say no! LOL how embarrassing. About the only thing I enjoy about the hospital stay is the room service. I ordered quite a bit including dessert most meals - why not?!? =)

We mostly had family visitors but here's a list of our visitors
Gramma Rosie, Papa Randy, Aunt Sissy, Uncle Boo Boo, Luke
Grammy Jill, Papa Jerry, Aunt Kelley
Great Gramma & Papa Carp, Aunt Debbie, Melissa, & Addy
My friend Andrew from work and his girlfriend Sara
My friend June and her husband Andy

THANK YOU FOR VISITING AND FOR THE GIFTS!! <3

Josh has been absolutely amazing through this whole process. I mean he is amazing anyway BUT he has helped me so much. Including changing the bulk of the diapers which he still continues to do. Anything I need - he's there.
The Monday before she was born we had went to breakfast and I said are you excited it's going to be a girl. He said I think I'm for sure more of a girl dad. I don't know what I'd do with a boy. There is just something about cuddling with your girls that you can't explain. I said don't tear up! He was like shut up! LOL That was  a very sweet moment. He loves his girlies more than anything and the look on his face when he holds Josie is just priceless. (When he holds any of his girlies too BUT)

Josie is doing great! She nurses great and the only time she really cry's is if she's being changed or if she's ready to be fed. Right now she's sleeping soundly in our hammock. She sleeps better during the day then at night but she did a lot better last night.

Since we've been home I've been quite emotional and have had some depression. It's crazy how all these emotions come after the birth of a baby. I am not depressed about having a baby - it's hard to explain.
Yesterday for example was hard because I just had a lot of thoughts going on like ..
Josh has to go back to work Monday, I hadn't gotten any sleep, I can't take the girls anywhere for spring break, I can't clean the house, I was sore, this is my last baby, I just felt like I wanted to be left alone, no help, no visitors, etc. Felt like a bad mom for not being with my big girls as much just a bunch of a stuff hit all at once. We had family over for Easter and I ended up crying and nursing in my bedroom. I didn't eat much and didn't talk much. Everyone could tell I was not myself. Some left and I didn't even say goodbye.

Josie slept better last night but mostly slept on a pillow between my legs or on top of me. I just slept when I could though and didn't worry where she slept. I needed sleep badly. So did Josh for work. Hopefully she'll continue to sleep well at night. The nights before I was her pacifier the entire night. It was all she wanted.
We tried 2 different pacifiers but she hasn't taken them. I'd prefer her not to use them but we thought we should try since I can't be the paci the entire night. I love her being with me and nursing but when I don't sleep that doesn't help. Abby and Jasmine both used paci's and nursed passed 8 months so if Josie ends up using one I'm not going to worry about it.

Thank you for all your prayers and for following along with my blog and Facebook.
I'm going to try to update my blog consistently - just not sure how often. ;)

If you can continue to pray that my emotions will improve and that things will continue to go well with Josie and my girlies that would be great.

Also I've still got to decide what to do about work. I have to decide a schedule that would work for me and let work know what that is. Then they'd have to let me know if that schedule would work for them or if they even need me to return. If I do return - that is so hard to think about at the moment. Oh how I'd love to be a SAHM. If I don't return then it's just the hassle of having to try and find something. I can still sub so that would still be in the mix. I could also try and clean again if needed. Just hard to know what to think when I have no clue what the future brings.

LOVE TO ALL!