Have you ever lost a friend?
I have.
I can only imagine that God has something so much greater for me! I'm excited to find out what that is! Only He knows my story and I'm really trying to put my complete trust in Him without looking back.
My mind goes back and forth some days and I really want to just give it all to God so I don't keep taking it back. Definitely still learning but remembering I'll never be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. I make lots of mistakes.
My best friend is my husband Josh and my best family member friend is my twin sister, but as of Jan 14th (or before) I lost a friend who I considered to be my best friend - friend.
Was it all my fault? It had to end with just a text? 5 years and then done? ...Only God knows!
While I know my overthinking caused problems in my mind (that possibly weren't a problem to begin with) what I don't understand is how a friend could just move on after 5 years?
(In my mind) ... so many amazing memories together that I would have loved to continue. I am thankful I can look back and smile about the memories we did share. Some of the best times of my life.
I mean...when I say I Love You Infinity - I mean it! I do still love her and her entire family lots. I feel very hurt. Not really sure what to think at times. Sometimes I get angry.
Maybe she feels hurt too? Which has NEVER EVER been my intention. I NEVER meant to do anything that would harm our friendship. I feel like I can't say anything else though? If I died tomorrow would she come to my funeral? Should I send her a birthday card? Would she just throw it away? What if we run into each other in person? Would she just ignore me? Is she just all happy now that we haven't talked? What does she tell people?... Only God knows!
One time she said to me " It's not like I think about you that often, I mean I walked into a store and saw a purple wreath and thought of you" That kind of stung because I thought about her a lot (still do). Maybe she meant it in a different way?
All friendships are different and everyone is different at showing their emotions, etc...and I get that but I feel like I am the type of friend who would do absolutely anything for my friends. I feel like I have a huge heart, care so much, and love with all my heart (maybe that is my biggest problem) ... I often wish it felt like someone liked me as much as I like them. Maybe they do? We all like to feel loved don't we? I often was left feeling like --- am I not a good enough friend? Why doesn't she say to me some of the words she says to others? Comparison is the thief of joy - we've all done that!
So again - pretty sure this is all my overthinking... my stupid overthinking... which pretty much ruined our friendship. A friendship that I did not want to ruin.
I would love to just press a button - and POOF ... no more overthinking
BUT at the same time - how can I feel like I'm just being ME then?
I would love to be able to sit down and just apologize in person but how do I even ask?
Would she even accept an apology? I'm sorry for overthinking? Loving too much? Caring too much? Maybe I was too annoying or maybe she thought I had too many expectations? I don't really have a full story or her side of the story.
I don't know - I truly did not have any expectations except just wanting a true friend in person and true friend behind my back.
There are always the sayings - some people are in your life for seasons, etc... I guess I was just hoping it was a forever season? Maybe it's best to celebrate a new season and new friendships instead?
I want to continue to pray about it. I pray that maybe someday she will forgive me? I'm also praying I don't do anything to mess up other friendships and new friendships because they have meant so much to me.
Josh and my girlies are my world and they always come first but life is better with true friends.
I'll keep praying... God knows my name, He knows my heart, He knows my every thought, He sees each tear that falls, and He hears me when I call!
Only God Knows!
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
Sunday, January 20, 2019
My Body & Food Struggles
This has been the biggest thing I've wanted to write about lately and everytime I feel like I want to start I get overwhelmed with all my thoughts. I want it to "come out right".
My Body & My Food Struggles
Before I start I have to say. This topic can often have many opinions. I of course am not a expert on any of this but it's just my experience or what I've learned recently. I'm a big fan of everyone doing whatever works for them. If your body & food journey is different than mine, that's ok. This is me.
This topic I feel like I have always struggled with but I am working on breaking myself free from these worries about my body and food. It has consumed way too much of my life. I just want to put God first and with His help and diving into His word, I know I can trust and be at peace that "every little thing is gonna be alright". He is with me always.
This will be long.
I've always been a girl in a bigger body. One thing that has always stuck out to me is my Grandpa used to always say...Hey, Big Girl! I always felt like since I was bigger that that was not a good thing. I was always shy and never had a lot of confidence or high self esteem. During my school years I don't really ever remember being bullied necessarily but with my twin being my best friend I didn't really have many friends. She was always smaller than me though so I think I always compared myself and thought she was favored because she was smaller.
I hate to use numbers but for a long time numbers have controlled my thoughts so I'm going to use them for this blog but by the end you'll see why I will no longer use numbers to define me.
When I was a freshman in high school I can remember going to the drs and was told I weighed 199. That stuck out to me for some reason and I remember thinking WOW! That's too much for a 9th grader. I also remember my sister was 150 so again compared. I don't really remember much before this age as far as my weight etc but during that summer I used to ride my bike back and forth to our neighbor's homes all day long. I felt like all I ate was butter noodles and bread. I lost some weight and thought, if I just don't eat anything and ride my bike all the time I'll become really skinny.
Now growing up I didn't really know a whole lot about nutrition necessarily, I just ate what my parents bought at the store and what my mom would make. My Dad only eats certain foods so my Mom only cooked what he would like. Occasionally she would make separate things if my Dad wanted something different. Pretty sure that is why to this day I do not cook because my Mom did it all.
I don't remember having a lot of thoughts about my body and food except I just considered myself fat and never really liked it. I would go to dr appointments and weight was always brought up. One time I even went for a cold and the dr said it was probably due to my weight.
Fast forward to 2008. By this time I had Abby in 2006 and Jasmine in 2007. I had my 1 year check up after having Jasmine. I got to my OBGYN appointment and my weight was 302.4lbs. I cried my entire appointment because I never expected to see that number but also all my doctor talked about was how I needed to loose weight. He said I should be 165lbs and he recommended medical weight loss or weight watchers. I checked into medical weight loss but that was expensive so I started weight watchers. I think I lost around 75 lbs during weight watchers but always stopped and started again so I don't remember how long that took me. I can remember though always thinking that all that mattered was the number on the scale. If I went over my points I was bad. If I gained weight that week it was because I ate too much pizza that week. I can remember it made food good or bad therefore depending on what I ate...I was good or bad.
I remember trying to restrict food groups. I can remember not eating anything on Monday weigh in days in hopes I would at least be less on the scale so that I'd be praised for being less instead of having to say well it must've been that pizza or not going to weigh in at all unless I was for sure I had lost weight. After restricting food all day I'd come home and have a huge plate of spaghetti but "it would be under my points" and then I'd feel like crap because I ate too much, too late.
So with all that up and down and losing and gaining again I thought that I was the problem. That I can not eat right. I can not exercise right. So I was a failure. Josh and I then decided maybe we should do medical weight loss because if weight watchers and other diets don't work then maybe with medical help - it'll do the trick. We started in 2012, paid a boat load of money and wasted it all because we ended up having to put it on hold because I found out I was pregnant with Josie. At the start of medical weight loss, I lost 20lbs Josh lost 40lbs but looking back the whole thing just really infuriates me. We literally got a sheet of paper that explained what we should eat. We would go home and do our best to eat exactly as the papers said. Felt horrible but if went to weigh in and we had lost weight we got to ring a bell. So every week we would drive 40 mins to ring a bell. We got zero guidance. Zero help. Zero support. Just... oh your number is down so ring the bell. The number was all that mattered.
So still thinking that I'm not good enough because I'm still too big Josh and I decided to pursue weight loss surgery. He had gastric sleeve surgery in 2014. I had gastric sleeve surgery in 2015.
I was 230 on the date of my surgery Oct 1st 2015.
I can remember thinking it was the only way I would ever be able to loose weight.
During my 6 months before surgery stuff I had to make sure I didn't loose any more weight otherwise I would not have qualified for surgery.
Not once in my entire life has any doctor recommended counseling or mental health care. During my surgery process there was absolutely zero "help" either. It was always about what the scale said. Can you see why numbers have always consumed me?
So one year after surgery on my birthday November 11th 2016 I went for a 11 mile run. I got home, stepped on the scale and was 135.2lbs. I felt so weak, so lightheaded, felt awful, took a hot bath...but I was on top of the world because I had just hit a weight I never thought I'd make. I would workout up to 2 hours a day with maybe 1 rest day. I hardly ate anything. But all that mattered was that stupid number. Then at a follow up appointment I was so scared to step on the scale because I knew for the first time since surgery I gained weight. I was 147. The dr came in and said "Shazam...you're perfect!" All your numbers and tests are good. I said but I gained weight. He said well most surgery patients get to a low weight and then there body goes up because it moves to where it is more comfortable. So I left feeling great thinking, ok phew...then I did not fail. I hadn't changed anything I was doing when I went from 135 to 147. I ate the same, worked out the same (which was always not enough food).
So again through this whole process, no mental help, no nutrition help...just oh good you ate less than 1,000 calories that you recorded on myfitness pal and your numbers are fine so go home now. Even though deep down I always felt like their was a missing piece. I may have been at a lower weight but I never felt satisfied. I always felt like if my food tracker was off, I was bad. If I didn't workout for the day I was bad. I always worked out though except some weeks took 1 day off.
Ahhhh!!! Literally this all was really driving me crazy. Tracking every morsel of food and feeling extremely guilty if I was over on any of my macros. Over exercising and feeling guilty if I didn't move.
Now I don't regret surgery at all. It's just not what I needed. I will now not recommend it to anyone.
I often feel like If I would not have had surgery maybe I wouldn't be "here" but I can't reverse it to know.
Now obviously there have been many many blessings and amazing things that have happened since surgery but I'm still working on lots of things.
In August of 2017 I finally had enough of my scale. I could not take one more day checking the number. So I shot my scale. Literally in one shot. In Oct of 2017 I went to a dr appointment, did not want to be weighed and ended up having them tell me I was 154. Again left feeling like a failure. I do remember leaving seeing a sign that said Now I can...and thought ...well now I can do so much more being down 150lbs but when I got home I went live in a Facebook group to share how my appointment went. I cried and said there still feels like there is a missing piece to my journey .
I now know the missing piece is my mental health. My mind is what needs help the most. I have started reading about Intuitive Eating and Health at Every Size. I have finally learned that diets do NOT work. Diets have been my problem. My weight going up and down is because of diets. I am not a failure. I did not fail diets. Diets failed me. You could not pay me at this point to try another diet.
During 2016 and 2017 I became so obsessed with workout programs and every single one of them had a different nutrition program...I mean seriously...How many flippen diets are out there, why are there so many, and why do we think the next one will finally be the one? and when are we all going to finally realize that diets don't work. That food is not good or bad. That I am not good or bad based on what I eat. Food is just food. Now of course if someone Is allergic to food then they shouldn't eat it. If you don't like cauliflower don't eat it. If you don't like donuts, dont eat them. But if you. like pizza eat the flippen pizza. You're not bad because you ate pizza. Why can't we just love ourselves the way we are. The way God made us.
Also I understand there are different nutrition benefits if you eat an apple as opposed to eating a candy apple jolly rancher and if you just ate pizza all day long you are probably not going to feel good.
So while I am now anti-diet... that does not mean I am anti-health.
I still want to move in ways that make me happy. I want to eat the foods that make me feel the best.
I am free from the scale. I want to be free from food tracking. Now I also want to get rid of my fitness trackers.
At this point I am not sure if I will run a race this year. Part of me thinks it may be best for me to take a break. I have literally felt way too stressed about all this that I feel I really need to focus on my mental health. Adding another race would probably just add extra stress thinking I HAVE to do it instead of just doing it because I enjoy it.
I'm crazy right?
Maybe partly...I also feel like I never want to go to the dr.
I do not want my weight brought up. I know as of today I am probably the heaviest I have been since surgery even though I don't know the number. I often wake up, look in the mirror and already feel defeated for the day because I must not be doing something right if I can't keep my weight to 135.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I've looked into counseling but our insurance hasn't been too helpful. I kind of feel stuck. I know I am starting to feel better and becoming more comfortable in my body though.
I am going to keep working on loving me just the way I am each day. I want to read God's word and remind myself I am his and He loves me no matter what I look like.
Josh loves me no matter what I look like. My girls love me. That is another hard part in this. I do not want my girls to have any of my issues!!!
Maybe you've never struggled with food
Maybe you've never struggled with body image
I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder or depression or anxiety but I would imagine I may have all 3. Or maybe disordered eating not an official eating disorder. I have had to remove myself from fitness groups, diet groups, surgery groups, I am not paying for workout programs or nutrition programs. I don't want to focus on before and after anymore. It will be what I am each day.
If you made it this far...I highly recommend reading Intuitive Eating and Health at Every Size. If you want to be a health coach... be a IE and HAES coach! I've even thought...maybe someday if I learn it all well enough maybe I could become an IE and HAES coach. I'd love to help people learn how to love themselves...sounds a bit crazy right...since I need to love myself...but it has been a thought.
So many people have been huge encouragement on my journey, have followed my journey, have supported me during my journey. I've also lost people on my journey including recently my first ever friend best friend. Which hurts a lot. I have to continue to pray.
I will add more and more about this but my thoughts are finally running out for now. My fingers are going numb.
I want to be free. If I want a salad I'll eat a salad. If I want pizza I'll eat pizza. If I want to run 11 miles or walk 1 mile. Etc... just doing what I want to do and not feel guilt or feel ashamed.
Mindset!!!!
I have so much to be thankful for and am blessed beyond measure. I need to get all this off my mind and just live life each day and choose to be happy. My size does not matter.
God is so Great. He has given me new friends and a new Church family. He opens doors when other close. Now I just pray I don't loose them too while I'm still working on all my struggles.
So much I feel like I forgot to say but for now
Much Love ♡♡♡
My Body & My Food Struggles
Before I start I have to say. This topic can often have many opinions. I of course am not a expert on any of this but it's just my experience or what I've learned recently. I'm a big fan of everyone doing whatever works for them. If your body & food journey is different than mine, that's ok. This is me.
This topic I feel like I have always struggled with but I am working on breaking myself free from these worries about my body and food. It has consumed way too much of my life. I just want to put God first and with His help and diving into His word, I know I can trust and be at peace that "every little thing is gonna be alright". He is with me always.
This will be long.
I've always been a girl in a bigger body. One thing that has always stuck out to me is my Grandpa used to always say...Hey, Big Girl! I always felt like since I was bigger that that was not a good thing. I was always shy and never had a lot of confidence or high self esteem. During my school years I don't really ever remember being bullied necessarily but with my twin being my best friend I didn't really have many friends. She was always smaller than me though so I think I always compared myself and thought she was favored because she was smaller.
I hate to use numbers but for a long time numbers have controlled my thoughts so I'm going to use them for this blog but by the end you'll see why I will no longer use numbers to define me.
When I was a freshman in high school I can remember going to the drs and was told I weighed 199. That stuck out to me for some reason and I remember thinking WOW! That's too much for a 9th grader. I also remember my sister was 150 so again compared. I don't really remember much before this age as far as my weight etc but during that summer I used to ride my bike back and forth to our neighbor's homes all day long. I felt like all I ate was butter noodles and bread. I lost some weight and thought, if I just don't eat anything and ride my bike all the time I'll become really skinny.
Now growing up I didn't really know a whole lot about nutrition necessarily, I just ate what my parents bought at the store and what my mom would make. My Dad only eats certain foods so my Mom only cooked what he would like. Occasionally she would make separate things if my Dad wanted something different. Pretty sure that is why to this day I do not cook because my Mom did it all.
I don't remember having a lot of thoughts about my body and food except I just considered myself fat and never really liked it. I would go to dr appointments and weight was always brought up. One time I even went for a cold and the dr said it was probably due to my weight.
Fast forward to 2008. By this time I had Abby in 2006 and Jasmine in 2007. I had my 1 year check up after having Jasmine. I got to my OBGYN appointment and my weight was 302.4lbs. I cried my entire appointment because I never expected to see that number but also all my doctor talked about was how I needed to loose weight. He said I should be 165lbs and he recommended medical weight loss or weight watchers. I checked into medical weight loss but that was expensive so I started weight watchers. I think I lost around 75 lbs during weight watchers but always stopped and started again so I don't remember how long that took me. I can remember though always thinking that all that mattered was the number on the scale. If I went over my points I was bad. If I gained weight that week it was because I ate too much pizza that week. I can remember it made food good or bad therefore depending on what I ate...I was good or bad.
I remember trying to restrict food groups. I can remember not eating anything on Monday weigh in days in hopes I would at least be less on the scale so that I'd be praised for being less instead of having to say well it must've been that pizza or not going to weigh in at all unless I was for sure I had lost weight. After restricting food all day I'd come home and have a huge plate of spaghetti but "it would be under my points" and then I'd feel like crap because I ate too much, too late.
So with all that up and down and losing and gaining again I thought that I was the problem. That I can not eat right. I can not exercise right. So I was a failure. Josh and I then decided maybe we should do medical weight loss because if weight watchers and other diets don't work then maybe with medical help - it'll do the trick. We started in 2012, paid a boat load of money and wasted it all because we ended up having to put it on hold because I found out I was pregnant with Josie. At the start of medical weight loss, I lost 20lbs Josh lost 40lbs but looking back the whole thing just really infuriates me. We literally got a sheet of paper that explained what we should eat. We would go home and do our best to eat exactly as the papers said. Felt horrible but if went to weigh in and we had lost weight we got to ring a bell. So every week we would drive 40 mins to ring a bell. We got zero guidance. Zero help. Zero support. Just... oh your number is down so ring the bell. The number was all that mattered.
So still thinking that I'm not good enough because I'm still too big Josh and I decided to pursue weight loss surgery. He had gastric sleeve surgery in 2014. I had gastric sleeve surgery in 2015.
I was 230 on the date of my surgery Oct 1st 2015.
I can remember thinking it was the only way I would ever be able to loose weight.
During my 6 months before surgery stuff I had to make sure I didn't loose any more weight otherwise I would not have qualified for surgery.
Not once in my entire life has any doctor recommended counseling or mental health care. During my surgery process there was absolutely zero "help" either. It was always about what the scale said. Can you see why numbers have always consumed me?
So one year after surgery on my birthday November 11th 2016 I went for a 11 mile run. I got home, stepped on the scale and was 135.2lbs. I felt so weak, so lightheaded, felt awful, took a hot bath...but I was on top of the world because I had just hit a weight I never thought I'd make. I would workout up to 2 hours a day with maybe 1 rest day. I hardly ate anything. But all that mattered was that stupid number. Then at a follow up appointment I was so scared to step on the scale because I knew for the first time since surgery I gained weight. I was 147. The dr came in and said "Shazam...you're perfect!" All your numbers and tests are good. I said but I gained weight. He said well most surgery patients get to a low weight and then there body goes up because it moves to where it is more comfortable. So I left feeling great thinking, ok phew...then I did not fail. I hadn't changed anything I was doing when I went from 135 to 147. I ate the same, worked out the same (which was always not enough food).
So again through this whole process, no mental help, no nutrition help...just oh good you ate less than 1,000 calories that you recorded on myfitness pal and your numbers are fine so go home now. Even though deep down I always felt like their was a missing piece. I may have been at a lower weight but I never felt satisfied. I always felt like if my food tracker was off, I was bad. If I didn't workout for the day I was bad. I always worked out though except some weeks took 1 day off.
Ahhhh!!! Literally this all was really driving me crazy. Tracking every morsel of food and feeling extremely guilty if I was over on any of my macros. Over exercising and feeling guilty if I didn't move.
Now I don't regret surgery at all. It's just not what I needed. I will now not recommend it to anyone.
I often feel like If I would not have had surgery maybe I wouldn't be "here" but I can't reverse it to know.
Now obviously there have been many many blessings and amazing things that have happened since surgery but I'm still working on lots of things.
In August of 2017 I finally had enough of my scale. I could not take one more day checking the number. So I shot my scale. Literally in one shot. In Oct of 2017 I went to a dr appointment, did not want to be weighed and ended up having them tell me I was 154. Again left feeling like a failure. I do remember leaving seeing a sign that said Now I can...and thought ...well now I can do so much more being down 150lbs but when I got home I went live in a Facebook group to share how my appointment went. I cried and said there still feels like there is a missing piece to my journey .
I now know the missing piece is my mental health. My mind is what needs help the most. I have started reading about Intuitive Eating and Health at Every Size. I have finally learned that diets do NOT work. Diets have been my problem. My weight going up and down is because of diets. I am not a failure. I did not fail diets. Diets failed me. You could not pay me at this point to try another diet.
During 2016 and 2017 I became so obsessed with workout programs and every single one of them had a different nutrition program...I mean seriously...How many flippen diets are out there, why are there so many, and why do we think the next one will finally be the one? and when are we all going to finally realize that diets don't work. That food is not good or bad. That I am not good or bad based on what I eat. Food is just food. Now of course if someone Is allergic to food then they shouldn't eat it. If you don't like cauliflower don't eat it. If you don't like donuts, dont eat them. But if you. like pizza eat the flippen pizza. You're not bad because you ate pizza. Why can't we just love ourselves the way we are. The way God made us.
Also I understand there are different nutrition benefits if you eat an apple as opposed to eating a candy apple jolly rancher and if you just ate pizza all day long you are probably not going to feel good.
So while I am now anti-diet... that does not mean I am anti-health.
I still want to move in ways that make me happy. I want to eat the foods that make me feel the best.
I am free from the scale. I want to be free from food tracking. Now I also want to get rid of my fitness trackers.
At this point I am not sure if I will run a race this year. Part of me thinks it may be best for me to take a break. I have literally felt way too stressed about all this that I feel I really need to focus on my mental health. Adding another race would probably just add extra stress thinking I HAVE to do it instead of just doing it because I enjoy it.
I'm crazy right?
Maybe partly...I also feel like I never want to go to the dr.
I do not want my weight brought up. I know as of today I am probably the heaviest I have been since surgery even though I don't know the number. I often wake up, look in the mirror and already feel defeated for the day because I must not be doing something right if I can't keep my weight to 135.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I've looked into counseling but our insurance hasn't been too helpful. I kind of feel stuck. I know I am starting to feel better and becoming more comfortable in my body though.
I am going to keep working on loving me just the way I am each day. I want to read God's word and remind myself I am his and He loves me no matter what I look like.
Josh loves me no matter what I look like. My girls love me. That is another hard part in this. I do not want my girls to have any of my issues!!!
Maybe you've never struggled with food
Maybe you've never struggled with body image
I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder or depression or anxiety but I would imagine I may have all 3. Or maybe disordered eating not an official eating disorder. I have had to remove myself from fitness groups, diet groups, surgery groups, I am not paying for workout programs or nutrition programs. I don't want to focus on before and after anymore. It will be what I am each day.
If you made it this far...I highly recommend reading Intuitive Eating and Health at Every Size. If you want to be a health coach... be a IE and HAES coach! I've even thought...maybe someday if I learn it all well enough maybe I could become an IE and HAES coach. I'd love to help people learn how to love themselves...sounds a bit crazy right...since I need to love myself...but it has been a thought.
So many people have been huge encouragement on my journey, have followed my journey, have supported me during my journey. I've also lost people on my journey including recently my first ever friend best friend. Which hurts a lot. I have to continue to pray.
I will add more and more about this but my thoughts are finally running out for now. My fingers are going numb.
I want to be free. If I want a salad I'll eat a salad. If I want pizza I'll eat pizza. If I want to run 11 miles or walk 1 mile. Etc... just doing what I want to do and not feel guilt or feel ashamed.
Mindset!!!!
I have so much to be thankful for and am blessed beyond measure. I need to get all this off my mind and just live life each day and choose to be happy. My size does not matter.
God is so Great. He has given me new friends and a new Church family. He opens doors when other close. Now I just pray I don't loose them too while I'm still working on all my struggles.
So much I feel like I forgot to say but for now
Much Love ♡♡♡
Saturday, January 19, 2019
Allow me to introduce myself!
Hey! It's ME. Amanda. Allow me to introduce myself!
I have many new friends and followers so I'm starting here.
First and most important I am a child and daughter of an amazing and loving God. Which is the only thing that matters. He has blessed me tremendously and so much more than I deserve but until He calls me home and OH! How I can only imagine how that day will be!!! I'll just be here trying to live my best life and... if you have clicked on my blog to read my thoughts you may learn something new about me along the way.
I always say I have a hard time expressing my thoughts or I type them all out and then remember about a million other things I wish I would have said or forgot to say. I may have long blogs but I hope you'll stick with me. My thoughts may often be all over the place. Maybe you'll think I'm crazy. My hope is that by recording my thoughts, maybe they'll help someone else. Much of what I'm going to type about are things I really wish I would have learned a long time ago.
God gave me the best husband in the universe. His name is Josh. We will be celebrating our 15 year Anniversary in May. He loves me unconditionally even when I am so not lovable. We have 3 incredibly precious and beautiful daughters. Abigail (Abby) is 12. Jasmine is 11. Josie is 5. I often feel like a horrible Momma but I hope they know I love them with all my heart. We also have a Chi-Tzu named Jinger. I am her favorite. HEHE. She is 3 and we just got 3 little birds named Petey, Marley, and Fancey in December. They are still a little young so we're not sure if they are male or female. We currently live in Bailey, MI. Our daughters go to Kent City Schools and we have attended Ravenna Baptist Church since August of 2018. I will have more about our Church in upcoming blog posts.
Blog Title: Worth of Love to Infinity...
My name means: Worthy of Love and well I just love that. I love love. I feel like I love big. I often feel like I love too much sometimes...is that a thing? My problem is, I've never loved myself. I'm still trying to figure out why. I love my family. I love the friends I do have. I love sunrises and sunsets. I love birds. I love Jinger. I love the color purple. I love Eeyore. I love traveling. I love walking. I sometimes love running. I love Zumba. I love hearts. I love Reeses, white chocolate, raspberry chocolate chip ice cream, anything raspberry chocolate. I love raspberry lemonade. I love pineapple on my pizza. I love Norwex. I don't remember when I started telling Josh and my girlies that I love them infinity but that's what the to infinity is for. I've also said I love you to infinity to extended family and friends and if I have said that to you...I mean it.
I clean 16 homes at the moment and do all chemical free cleaning with Norwex. Someday I would love to work from home doing something. I really hope that something is sooner than later. ;)
I worry too much. I overthink too much. I create problems in my mind. I make mistakes. I have lost friends and even some family won't talk to me. I am sure I would benefit from professional counseling but it is just not in our budget at the moment. I probably would be diagnosed with depression or anxiety or both? The hardest part for me to understand though is because I love people so much...how can they just "throw me away" ? Like, if I could just explain my thoughts well enough they may understand and change their minds? Thankfully God knows my name, knows my every thought, He sees each tear that falls, and He hears me when I call.
The main thing on my mind right now that I really have wanted to share is my food and body journey that has really consumed most of my days. I have learned many new things that I wish I would have learned a lot sooner. I am going to write about all this in my upcoming blogs. It has often been a big struggle for me but my word for 2019 is TRUST. I want to put my complete trust in God to know that no matter what I look like each day, no matter what size I am, and no matter what anyone else thinks... every little thing is gonna be alright!
I feel completely different than the person I was in 2008, in 2015, 2018, etc. Seasons change, people change, bodies change, but God's love remains the same. Thankful I can turn to Him 24/7. I need Him every minute.
I will stop here for now...but know there is lots to come so I hope you'll stick around.
Praying for an amazing 2019 even though lots of things feel so different.
Much Love
Amanda
I have many new friends and followers so I'm starting here.
First and most important I am a child and daughter of an amazing and loving God. Which is the only thing that matters. He has blessed me tremendously and so much more than I deserve but until He calls me home and OH! How I can only imagine how that day will be!!! I'll just be here trying to live my best life and... if you have clicked on my blog to read my thoughts you may learn something new about me along the way.
I always say I have a hard time expressing my thoughts or I type them all out and then remember about a million other things I wish I would have said or forgot to say. I may have long blogs but I hope you'll stick with me. My thoughts may often be all over the place. Maybe you'll think I'm crazy. My hope is that by recording my thoughts, maybe they'll help someone else. Much of what I'm going to type about are things I really wish I would have learned a long time ago.
God gave me the best husband in the universe. His name is Josh. We will be celebrating our 15 year Anniversary in May. He loves me unconditionally even when I am so not lovable. We have 3 incredibly precious and beautiful daughters. Abigail (Abby) is 12. Jasmine is 11. Josie is 5. I often feel like a horrible Momma but I hope they know I love them with all my heart. We also have a Chi-Tzu named Jinger. I am her favorite. HEHE. She is 3 and we just got 3 little birds named Petey, Marley, and Fancey in December. They are still a little young so we're not sure if they are male or female. We currently live in Bailey, MI. Our daughters go to Kent City Schools and we have attended Ravenna Baptist Church since August of 2018. I will have more about our Church in upcoming blog posts.
Blog Title: Worth of Love to Infinity...
My name means: Worthy of Love and well I just love that. I love love. I feel like I love big. I often feel like I love too much sometimes...is that a thing? My problem is, I've never loved myself. I'm still trying to figure out why. I love my family. I love the friends I do have. I love sunrises and sunsets. I love birds. I love Jinger. I love the color purple. I love Eeyore. I love traveling. I love walking. I sometimes love running. I love Zumba. I love hearts. I love Reeses, white chocolate, raspberry chocolate chip ice cream, anything raspberry chocolate. I love raspberry lemonade. I love pineapple on my pizza. I love Norwex. I don't remember when I started telling Josh and my girlies that I love them infinity but that's what the to infinity is for. I've also said I love you to infinity to extended family and friends and if I have said that to you...I mean it.
I clean 16 homes at the moment and do all chemical free cleaning with Norwex. Someday I would love to work from home doing something. I really hope that something is sooner than later. ;)
I worry too much. I overthink too much. I create problems in my mind. I make mistakes. I have lost friends and even some family won't talk to me. I am sure I would benefit from professional counseling but it is just not in our budget at the moment. I probably would be diagnosed with depression or anxiety or both? The hardest part for me to understand though is because I love people so much...how can they just "throw me away" ? Like, if I could just explain my thoughts well enough they may understand and change their minds? Thankfully God knows my name, knows my every thought, He sees each tear that falls, and He hears me when I call.
The main thing on my mind right now that I really have wanted to share is my food and body journey that has really consumed most of my days. I have learned many new things that I wish I would have learned a lot sooner. I am going to write about all this in my upcoming blogs. It has often been a big struggle for me but my word for 2019 is TRUST. I want to put my complete trust in God to know that no matter what I look like each day, no matter what size I am, and no matter what anyone else thinks... every little thing is gonna be alright!
I feel completely different than the person I was in 2008, in 2015, 2018, etc. Seasons change, people change, bodies change, but God's love remains the same. Thankful I can turn to Him 24/7. I need Him every minute.
I will stop here for now...but know there is lots to come so I hope you'll stick around.
Praying for an amazing 2019 even though lots of things feel so different.
Much Love
Amanda
New Year
It's a new year and I feel like a completely different ME.
I updated my old blog a touch and am hoping to add more posts.
Not sure how often but my goal would be at least once a week.
I haven't posted a blog since 2016!
I want it to be me... real, open, honest, ME.
There will always be differing opinions, etc but that's ok
"Not everyone will understand my journey, and that's ok, those that are meant to walk it with me will, and that's all that matters!"
Hoping to re-introduce myself very soon ♡
Much Love
*if you ever read my blog, post a comment. ♡
I updated my old blog a touch and am hoping to add more posts.
Not sure how often but my goal would be at least once a week.
I haven't posted a blog since 2016!
I want it to be me... real, open, honest, ME.
There will always be differing opinions, etc but that's ok
"Not everyone will understand my journey, and that's ok, those that are meant to walk it with me will, and that's all that matters!"
Hoping to re-introduce myself very soon ♡
Much Love
*if you ever read my blog, post a comment. ♡
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