Just realized I haven't really done my monthly family update since around May.
We had a great summer. Always wish vacations could last forever. The girlies love going on cruises and we do too but our plan for 2020 (God willing) is to get a camper trailer and take smaller more frequent camping trips instead.
Josh: He still works at Fox Buick GMC. So full time and then on 2 Saturdays, off 2 Saturdays and then later night Wednesdays. It's nice that most nights he's home by 5pm. He also started doing sound at Church and has really enjoyed that. He starts Bible Study again this week. One of these weekends he went up north with most of the guys in our family and set up their deer camp for November. I'm thankful he now has the opportunity to go hunting with my family. He really enjoys it. He's also spoken with some people about possible new opportunities for things so we're praying about "that" too. I often feel like I am a horrible wife. He literally does it all. I'm thankful for such a Godly, strong, hard working, and unconditional loving man and Daddy to our beautiful girlies. God gave me you for the ups and downs Mister. I love you Infinity.
Me: I did share a blog earlier today about my surgery Anniversary, so go check it out. Some days I feel like a new person. Some days I feel on top of the world. Some days I'd rather God take me home somehow. I've always been an overthinker but man sometimes my brain could just about explode with all the thoughts it thinks. I just want to be a better Christian, Wife, Mom, Daughter, Granddaughter, Sister, friend. I often feel like I don't deserve anyone's love. Always feel like I think of the what ifs, should have done this, shouldn't have done that...typical overthinker things to think...right?
I feel like I'm finally turning a curve with all my food and body struggles so that feels wonderful. I was sick with mono in August which was awful. So that put me out for the whole month pretty much.
But I just got a call this week that I'll be able to sub in the Ravenna Middle School kitchen on the 9th!. I was put on their sub list and I'm super excited about that.
I still clean about 2 homes a day 3 days a week. My goal is to hopefully sub more, clean less. It would be so awesome if I could start working at the schools and just fill in cleaning when needed. I made the hard decision to give up some homes that are too far away.
Norwex has not been as busy as I'd like but I'm thankful it's still a part of what I do. I use it everyday to clean and I'll never forget how much Norwex has changed my life.
But hey...if you want to order or party...please please please contact me! ♡
I go to Bible Study on Monday's and try to get in as many sMiles as possible during the week. With friends when I can. (sMiles = run, walk, bike...miles with a smile on my face)
Just got back from Women's Retreat too. I always enjoy them but can never sum up my thoughts afterwards. One of my closest new friends paid for me to go and I am just so grateful. I feel blessed to have some new true friends in my life. They really mean the world to me. I am so thankful for our Church family and the Ravenna community. We just love it all. I might love it the most ;) Thanks to everyone who prays for me and interacts on Facebook. Some I'd like to talk to lots more but that's one plus of FB. Keeps connections going, etc. Oh ya... reminder... I have 2 Facebook accounts. Amanda Miller is my personal account. Amanda Gail Long Miller is my (mostly) business account. Much love to you if you're reading this.
Abby: Abby is now in 8th grade at Ravenna Middle School. She has been having a great start to her year. She's enjoying all her classes and enjoys seeing her friends. She tries really hard to do her best. She loves music (she plays clarinet) and has even played her ukulele (at events). She even made over 100 dollars one time. She got to play it at school too. Some nights she's walked to the gas station with friends. That's been a little scary but trying to give her a touch of outside the home independence. She was sick 2 days this week with a cold, etc but is back today. She's not a huge fan of our new chore chart...but who likes chores? ;) She can't get to Youth Group Wednesday nights fast enough. She also loves to be social at football games. I'm really thankful for the teachers she has this year. They all seem great. The new principal and superintendent are amazing as well.
Jasmine: Jasmine is now in 7th grade at RMS. She's doing great in her classes. She really strives to get good grades. Her biggest thing right now is that she wants to find good Christian friends. A friend she has from Church goes to a different school. She's met different friends and talks about friends but I think still feels a little new and not sure where she quite fits in yet. She also doesn't want to play Saxophone anymore so we talked to the school and if she doesn't change her mind by January she can switch classes. She signed up for student Council and was bummed that she didn't get picked but she's hoping maybe next year she will have a better chance. Jasmine is also not a chore chart fan but she is a very good helper and cleaner.
Both girlies have earned some money from grandparents for working with them, mowing, household work, etc. They would both be willing to babysit / clean if you ever need them. They would love the income.
Josie: Josie is now a 1st grader at Beechnau Elementary in Ravenna. She loves it and is doing great. She is also a cheerleader and she just does so great. She has a great coach. We have really enjoyed watching her. She has practice Tues and Thurs and games Saturdays. She has homework and reading every night and we sign a weekly folder. Her chores aren't as extensive as her sisters but she does well keeping up on those.
I'm excited to see how the rest of their school year goes. We have just really loved the Ravenna community.
Praying they learn and grow well at Ravenna.
Praying I can be a better example and teach them more about God.
I didn't grow up going to Church so sometimes that feels tricky for me.
Anyway friends. I'm sure I'll remember 50 more things after I post this but hoping this gives you a small glimpse of what's going on. Thank you for your continued prayers.
Life is not perfect. We are definitely not perfect. God is good through it all though.
I feel like each day our love for each other gets stronger.
Thankful for God's unconditional love and for his many many blessings.
Much love to YOU!
(Comment if you can) it helps me know whose "with us"
Added later:
Forgot...
I often have thought...what is my purpose? Why am I here
I think Josh said it best when he said
To love God , to be his wife, and to be a Mom to our girlies
🤩💜‼
Also wanted to record for future reference. Sept 10th I mailed a card to an omd friend. Haven't spoken to this person since Feb 2018 and still no reply. Have finally come to terms with letting that go. It's in God's hands.
Me: Started "counseling" Sept 2019
Wednesday, October 2, 2019
I'm Sorry
I am so thankful I have a day off today. There have been so many days where my mind just never stops and I've said before, sometimes I'm not great at explaining my feelings but I still really wanted to try and type a 4 year Anniversary update since my Gastric Sleeve surgery, so here I go. It's been 4 years since Oct 1st 2015.
1st - I feel a strong need to apologize. I'm sorry for some / any / all of my posts that may have come across offensive, etc. Or if they "rubbed you the wrong way" Or the days when I bombarded your newsfeed with posts about topics I have strong feelings about.
My goal from here on out is to try and stay as positive as possible and only post something if it's "worth it" or necessary.
I was talking to Josh yesterday and he really opened my eyes and gave me a perspective on my thoughts that I really didn't think about. Along with some messages from friends, etc.
For example. I have read some books and have learned some new things that have really opened my eyes to "diet culture" that I didn't even realize was a thing. I'll explain more about that but basically... I was a dieter who turned to wanting to be an "undieter" because of what I've learned and thought that if I shared all these posts that I wish I would have seen before my surgery then it would help someone else or change their mind to switch to the "undieter" world.
Sure, people post articles and thoughts and their opinions and views all the time but I really just want to come across as more of a loving person and not try to think that you should "be like me".
I had a special friend say to me... "But it’s also like someone who quits smoking and then posts daily about how bad smoking is for you" "It might rub people the wrong way who have seen all your posts previously"
Josh said... if someone posts something about a diet it's not going to make me want to go on that diet. So if I post something about being an "undieter" that's not necessarily going to make them change either. We'd both prefer that I just get rid of Facebook but I can't with my businesses.
4 years later I don't feel like my Facebook posts get as much attention as they use to so maybe it is because of the content I've been posting??? Who cares about Facebook attention really...it's sometimes not "real life" but I'm sure most people would agree that the more likes and comments your posts get... it boosts your mood...at least it does for me?
So long story but SORRY. Just totally trying to be a better Christian, Wife, Mom, Daughter, Granddaughter, Sister, Friend.
2nd - I feel like a completely different person than 3, 2, and 1 years ago! I do not have the same body size as those 3 years but I'm finally learning that my worth is not based on my size. There are so many factors that go into why we are the size we are. I don't even remember a time when I felt like I liked my body, if I even did at all? So I thought that I was a failure and that no matter what I did to try and loose weight that I just couldn't do it. Every time I'd go to a Drs appointment they would always say my problem was always my weight. After reading books called Health at Every Size, Intuitive Eating, and Body Respect I have felt so much freedom. There are even days I feel like I like my body. There are days I feel so much stronger and more mentally healthy. My mental health needs to be just as strong as my physical health if not more.
I just feel like society puts this pressure on all of us that if you don't look a certain way that you must just be lazy and that you don't eat right. I've even seen someone say that being overweight is a sin. =(
Undiet = eat in ways that make you feel your best and move your body in ways you enjoy. No counting calories, no restrictions of any food groups. We can trust our bodies to do exactly what they're meant to do.
Side note: it was so great to be able to enjoy our Women's Retreat and just eat and exercise without feeling guilty or overthinking, counting calories, or restricting food groups. Now that I have given myself permission to eat "anything" ... I eat what makes me feel the best. I don't go crazy around chocolate or desserts or binge on food I "can't" have. If I want a salad I eat a salad. If I want a cookie I eat a cookie. If I don't want a cookie, I don't eat it. I can have one a different day, etc. (Some people may have medical restrictions...that's different) I have read though that if you're allergic or can't eat a certain food group there are ways to work around that so your mind doesn't think of it as a restriction etc. The guilt around a food is much less healthy than just ... craving a cookie, eating a cookie, and moving on without thinking about it. Most often when I'd restrict a food...once I'd have 1, I'd have 3 more. Now there are finally days where I don't even have think about food BUT... I do have most days where I still don't eat enough.
If I would have read these books before my surgery I most likely would not have had it. I thought surgery was my only option. Surgery was not what I needed though. I needed someone to tell me I'm worthy no matter what I look like on the outside. Sure I may need nutritional guidance but food was never my main problem. Diets, restricting food, and not eating enough were my problem. My mindset was my problem. That's a hard pill to swallow. Drs may have changed the size of my stomach but they didn't help change my mind.
So now I have a permanent smaller stomach that hopefully won't cause me to die sooner. I have way more heartburn than I ever did before no matter what I eat and again...food was never my problem so I never needed to restrict the amount of food I ate.
All throughout my appointments I was never giving recommendations for counseling, etc. My "care" was just always based on if my weight went up or down.
So for 2/4 of the years my life felt like a full time job of tracking food, tracking exercise, it was all about the numbers. So going from 302lbs (238 at surgery) to 135lbs in those first years ended up leaving me feeling crazy and exhausted. I was so obsessed it's the only thing I focused on. I felt weak, I was never doing housework, I felt like I hardly paid attention to the girls. I would eat less than 1,000 calories a day and workout for 2 hours a day. I barely read my Bible or went to Church.
The hard part of it all is that when I'd post updates on Facebook I would get so many likes and comments that I thought that all that mattered was what I looked like on the outside regardless of what it took to get there. Sorry friends but trying to stay at 135, eating less than 1000 cals, and 2 hours of workouts a day is not sustainable or healthy FOR ME! Plus my family and home are so much more important.
Not being on a roller coaster of diets is healthier for me. Not restricting food is healthier for me. Not being obsessed with numbers is healthier for me. Moving my body in ways I enjoy and not over exercising is healthier for me. I am not lazy. I do not over eat.
Focusing on Being a better Christian, wife and Mom is healthier for me.
This is just my body size today. My body has done so much for me that I need to learn to appreciate it and like / love it. Sorry if TMI but somedays I love my curves. My boobs are not as small. Josh has loved me at all sizes too and I am so thankful for his unconditional love.
I want my focus to be on God. To see myself the way God sees me. I've always been an overthinker. I just want to love and be / feel loved. When I die I want people to think of me as someone who was loving, not "she was an amazing dieter" , etc.
I have lost "friends" but I've gained even better ones! I've found true friends and they mean the world to me. Even ones I don't always get to talk to as much as I'd like. Just love them all.
In 2017 I shot my scale and haven't weighed myself since.
If you just look at my outside appearance and judge me based on that and never really get to know me, you're missing out. I love people who love me with all my heart. I don't know how to not love.
I want to love how God loves though and grow more in His word.
So it may be super slow progress and while I sometimes regret my surgery... God has taught me so much. I have done things and learned things I may not have without it.
To everyone who has been supportive through all my ups and downs. Thank you.
To everyone who prays for me. Thank you.
To everyone who actually made it to the end of this. Thank you. ;)
Much love to Infinity! Here's to the next year or loving ME more! 💜
Amanda
P.S. I'm sure I'll think of about 50 more things I forgot once I post this.
1st - I feel a strong need to apologize. I'm sorry for some / any / all of my posts that may have come across offensive, etc. Or if they "rubbed you the wrong way" Or the days when I bombarded your newsfeed with posts about topics I have strong feelings about.
My goal from here on out is to try and stay as positive as possible and only post something if it's "worth it" or necessary.
I was talking to Josh yesterday and he really opened my eyes and gave me a perspective on my thoughts that I really didn't think about. Along with some messages from friends, etc.
For example. I have read some books and have learned some new things that have really opened my eyes to "diet culture" that I didn't even realize was a thing. I'll explain more about that but basically... I was a dieter who turned to wanting to be an "undieter" because of what I've learned and thought that if I shared all these posts that I wish I would have seen before my surgery then it would help someone else or change their mind to switch to the "undieter" world.
Sure, people post articles and thoughts and their opinions and views all the time but I really just want to come across as more of a loving person and not try to think that you should "be like me".
I had a special friend say to me... "But it’s also like someone who quits smoking and then posts daily about how bad smoking is for you" "It might rub people the wrong way who have seen all your posts previously"
Josh said... if someone posts something about a diet it's not going to make me want to go on that diet. So if I post something about being an "undieter" that's not necessarily going to make them change either. We'd both prefer that I just get rid of Facebook but I can't with my businesses.
4 years later I don't feel like my Facebook posts get as much attention as they use to so maybe it is because of the content I've been posting??? Who cares about Facebook attention really...it's sometimes not "real life" but I'm sure most people would agree that the more likes and comments your posts get... it boosts your mood...at least it does for me?
So long story but SORRY. Just totally trying to be a better Christian, Wife, Mom, Daughter, Granddaughter, Sister, Friend.
2nd - I feel like a completely different person than 3, 2, and 1 years ago! I do not have the same body size as those 3 years but I'm finally learning that my worth is not based on my size. There are so many factors that go into why we are the size we are. I don't even remember a time when I felt like I liked my body, if I even did at all? So I thought that I was a failure and that no matter what I did to try and loose weight that I just couldn't do it. Every time I'd go to a Drs appointment they would always say my problem was always my weight. After reading books called Health at Every Size, Intuitive Eating, and Body Respect I have felt so much freedom. There are even days I feel like I like my body. There are days I feel so much stronger and more mentally healthy. My mental health needs to be just as strong as my physical health if not more.
I just feel like society puts this pressure on all of us that if you don't look a certain way that you must just be lazy and that you don't eat right. I've even seen someone say that being overweight is a sin. =(
Undiet = eat in ways that make you feel your best and move your body in ways you enjoy. No counting calories, no restrictions of any food groups. We can trust our bodies to do exactly what they're meant to do.
Side note: it was so great to be able to enjoy our Women's Retreat and just eat and exercise without feeling guilty or overthinking, counting calories, or restricting food groups. Now that I have given myself permission to eat "anything" ... I eat what makes me feel the best. I don't go crazy around chocolate or desserts or binge on food I "can't" have. If I want a salad I eat a salad. If I want a cookie I eat a cookie. If I don't want a cookie, I don't eat it. I can have one a different day, etc. (Some people may have medical restrictions...that's different) I have read though that if you're allergic or can't eat a certain food group there are ways to work around that so your mind doesn't think of it as a restriction etc. The guilt around a food is much less healthy than just ... craving a cookie, eating a cookie, and moving on without thinking about it. Most often when I'd restrict a food...once I'd have 1, I'd have 3 more. Now there are finally days where I don't even have think about food BUT... I do have most days where I still don't eat enough.
If I would have read these books before my surgery I most likely would not have had it. I thought surgery was my only option. Surgery was not what I needed though. I needed someone to tell me I'm worthy no matter what I look like on the outside. Sure I may need nutritional guidance but food was never my main problem. Diets, restricting food, and not eating enough were my problem. My mindset was my problem. That's a hard pill to swallow. Drs may have changed the size of my stomach but they didn't help change my mind.
So now I have a permanent smaller stomach that hopefully won't cause me to die sooner. I have way more heartburn than I ever did before no matter what I eat and again...food was never my problem so I never needed to restrict the amount of food I ate.
All throughout my appointments I was never giving recommendations for counseling, etc. My "care" was just always based on if my weight went up or down.
So for 2/4 of the years my life felt like a full time job of tracking food, tracking exercise, it was all about the numbers. So going from 302lbs (238 at surgery) to 135lbs in those first years ended up leaving me feeling crazy and exhausted. I was so obsessed it's the only thing I focused on. I felt weak, I was never doing housework, I felt like I hardly paid attention to the girls. I would eat less than 1,000 calories a day and workout for 2 hours a day. I barely read my Bible or went to Church.
The hard part of it all is that when I'd post updates on Facebook I would get so many likes and comments that I thought that all that mattered was what I looked like on the outside regardless of what it took to get there. Sorry friends but trying to stay at 135, eating less than 1000 cals, and 2 hours of workouts a day is not sustainable or healthy FOR ME! Plus my family and home are so much more important.
Not being on a roller coaster of diets is healthier for me. Not restricting food is healthier for me. Not being obsessed with numbers is healthier for me. Moving my body in ways I enjoy and not over exercising is healthier for me. I am not lazy. I do not over eat.
Focusing on Being a better Christian, wife and Mom is healthier for me.
This is just my body size today. My body has done so much for me that I need to learn to appreciate it and like / love it. Sorry if TMI but somedays I love my curves. My boobs are not as small. Josh has loved me at all sizes too and I am so thankful for his unconditional love.
I want my focus to be on God. To see myself the way God sees me. I've always been an overthinker. I just want to love and be / feel loved. When I die I want people to think of me as someone who was loving, not "she was an amazing dieter" , etc.
I have lost "friends" but I've gained even better ones! I've found true friends and they mean the world to me. Even ones I don't always get to talk to as much as I'd like. Just love them all.
In 2017 I shot my scale and haven't weighed myself since.
If you just look at my outside appearance and judge me based on that and never really get to know me, you're missing out. I love people who love me with all my heart. I don't know how to not love.
I want to love how God loves though and grow more in His word.
So it may be super slow progress and while I sometimes regret my surgery... God has taught me so much. I have done things and learned things I may not have without it.
To everyone who has been supportive through all my ups and downs. Thank you.
To everyone who prays for me. Thank you.
To everyone who actually made it to the end of this. Thank you. ;)
Much love to Infinity! Here's to the next year or loving ME more! 💜
Amanda
P.S. I'm sure I'll think of about 50 more things I forgot once I post this.
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
MAYbe we're moving?
May 11th has come and gone but there were some things I wanted to wait to say so my blog is a little behind this month.
I feel like I have so much to say. I hope I don't forget it all.
Josh: Josh was gone for 11 days in May for his Manila Philippines Missions trip. We kept pretty busy so even though we missed him, we had our minds occupied so we didn't just feel alone everyday. We spent several nights with some of our amazing friends and so many checked in on us as well. We never felt alone. I am so thankful for our friends. I am really hoping Josh will write a blog about his trip. The stories the team shared were just so amazing to hear. God is so good and to see how he orchestrated the trip was just so good to hear. Thanks again to everyone who helped him get there. He has even been in contact with some of the people he met there. One of the great things about Facebook. We just absolutely love love love our Church and Church family.
Me: Josh just got us a new to us car. It's a 2014 Ford Flex. I am so thankful it worked out to get this. My car needed so many repairs and I feel so much more safe in my new one. It has quite a few bells & whistles too that make it extra special.
I am still cleaning 2 homes a day T-Th and 1 every Monday. Once summer starts it'll be a little less. I'm looking forward to that...I'm also looking forward to having my girlies help as much as their willing. I still often think about doing something different but I just don't know what that would be right now. >>Praying<<
Would love some Norwex parties/ demos / show you how it works !!!
I know I keep talking about friends but God sure has placed so many special ones in our lives ... right at the perfect time.
Some people know I've been learning about Undiet stuff , No Diets, Health at Every Size, Intuitive Eating, wellness without the obsession, etc. I think I have finally found the piece I was missing to my puzzle. I have never felt so FREE in my entire life. I can have wellness without being obsessed and I can feel good about myself. I can eat what makes me feel my best without tracking my food or feeling guilty about what I eat. I can enjoy being active and doing things I like to do without over exercising and without feeling guilty for missing a day.
I can put on a 2 piece bathing suit and not care if society thinks my body isn't meant for one. I don't have to wear spanx under my clothes to hide all my skin that society thinks I should make look smaller. I never have to step on a scale.
I can not believe how much diet culture crap had a hold of me. It really makes me sad how much time I wasted on things that didn't matter. My worth has absolutely nothing to do with outside appearance.
My only fear now that I need to work on is... Dr visits. I keep praying I never have to go. I can tell them I don't want to step on the scale but I even had a horrible nightmare last night and I was at the Drs. Gah, even typing that I'm in tears. I just hate that no matter what happened at the drs...it was always that my weight was a problem. Or when my weight was considered normal on a stupid scale that means nothing- my mental health was failing.
Anyway - more about all this later.
Last but not least... are we moving?
Kind of...
Girlies - YES !!! Abby, Jasmine, and Josie will all be Ravenna Bulldogs in the Fall.
Abby = 8th
Jasmine = 7th
Josie = 1st
This was a big decision for us and we're all so excited. If you'd like more information on why...message me and I'd be happy to share.
This may also mean my cleaning schedule will change- I am also only going to be cleaning homes much closer to home!
This weekend we will be up north at my Grandparents cottage for Memorial Weekend. Praying all goes well. This will be the 1st without Grandpa.
Thanks for reading friends! Comment if you made it to the end.
Much Love!
Thought this would be much longer but maybe it'll all come to me later.
I feel like I have so much to say. I hope I don't forget it all.
Josh: Josh was gone for 11 days in May for his Manila Philippines Missions trip. We kept pretty busy so even though we missed him, we had our minds occupied so we didn't just feel alone everyday. We spent several nights with some of our amazing friends and so many checked in on us as well. We never felt alone. I am so thankful for our friends. I am really hoping Josh will write a blog about his trip. The stories the team shared were just so amazing to hear. God is so good and to see how he orchestrated the trip was just so good to hear. Thanks again to everyone who helped him get there. He has even been in contact with some of the people he met there. One of the great things about Facebook. We just absolutely love love love our Church and Church family.
Me: Josh just got us a new to us car. It's a 2014 Ford Flex. I am so thankful it worked out to get this. My car needed so many repairs and I feel so much more safe in my new one. It has quite a few bells & whistles too that make it extra special.
I am still cleaning 2 homes a day T-Th and 1 every Monday. Once summer starts it'll be a little less. I'm looking forward to that...I'm also looking forward to having my girlies help as much as their willing. I still often think about doing something different but I just don't know what that would be right now. >>Praying<<
Would love some Norwex parties/ demos / show you how it works !!!
I know I keep talking about friends but God sure has placed so many special ones in our lives ... right at the perfect time.
Some people know I've been learning about Undiet stuff , No Diets, Health at Every Size, Intuitive Eating, wellness without the obsession, etc. I think I have finally found the piece I was missing to my puzzle. I have never felt so FREE in my entire life. I can have wellness without being obsessed and I can feel good about myself. I can eat what makes me feel my best without tracking my food or feeling guilty about what I eat. I can enjoy being active and doing things I like to do without over exercising and without feeling guilty for missing a day.
I can put on a 2 piece bathing suit and not care if society thinks my body isn't meant for one. I don't have to wear spanx under my clothes to hide all my skin that society thinks I should make look smaller. I never have to step on a scale.
I can not believe how much diet culture crap had a hold of me. It really makes me sad how much time I wasted on things that didn't matter. My worth has absolutely nothing to do with outside appearance.
My only fear now that I need to work on is... Dr visits. I keep praying I never have to go. I can tell them I don't want to step on the scale but I even had a horrible nightmare last night and I was at the Drs. Gah, even typing that I'm in tears. I just hate that no matter what happened at the drs...it was always that my weight was a problem. Or when my weight was considered normal on a stupid scale that means nothing- my mental health was failing.
Anyway - more about all this later.
Last but not least... are we moving?
Kind of...
Girlies - YES !!! Abby, Jasmine, and Josie will all be Ravenna Bulldogs in the Fall.
Abby = 8th
Jasmine = 7th
Josie = 1st
This was a big decision for us and we're all so excited. If you'd like more information on why...message me and I'd be happy to share.
This may also mean my cleaning schedule will change- I am also only going to be cleaning homes much closer to home!
This weekend we will be up north at my Grandparents cottage for Memorial Weekend. Praying all goes well. This will be the 1st without Grandpa.
Thanks for reading friends! Comment if you made it to the end.
Much Love!
Thought this would be much longer but maybe it'll all come to me later.
Wednesday, April 10, 2019
A Day Early!
I will be super busy tomorrow so my monthly blog update is a day early... you're welcome 🤣
Josh: Only 22 days until he leaves for his Manila Philippines Missions Trip. I am so excited for him to go but the thought of him being gone for 10 days is definitely causing extra worry in my mind. I was gone 3 days for a wedding and that felt like an eternity. Some times I think it helps to be away though...gives an extra spark when you get home. ;)
I'm looking forward to a date day on Friday... we will be shopping to get him some new clothes. He has also gotten some projects done around home including putting up a outdoor theater. It's portable and easy to take down for rain, etc. We can't wait to use it. Looking forward to spending many summer or even spring nights with family and friends!
If you could pray that his missions trip goes well all prayers would be so appreciated.
Abby: She is going to be 13 in 7 days! (April 17)
Crazy, right? We will be celebrating her Birthday on Saturday the 13th. We don't have all the details planned out yet but she's excited to spend the day with her 2 closest friends Zoe & Caden...then family and friends are invited to Rum Runners at 4pm for dinner & desserts! She is super excited.
I was able to catch some of her teachers at conferences and while she may have missed the honor roll she is still doing well. I would have loved to catch all of her teachers. I'm not too fond of the way conferences are set up.
Anyway, excited to share photos from her Birthday and praying all goes well...and great weather would be awesome.
Jasmine: Jasmine read my last blog and was like...Mom! All you said was Miss Detail. ;)
I don't think she'll ever not have that title. She was super excited to have made the honor roll! I only got to catch a few of her teachers at conferences. She is anxious to use her Kayak and it makes me want one too ;).
Josie: Josie is now 6. She had a great Birthday Month (March 26) ;) Despite being sick for a while she ended up feeling better for her birthday parties. She loved having her girl friends bowl with her and she got lots of LOLs.
She doesn't like cake so she requested cupcakes (LOL) So thankful for the friends who celebrated with us and for family parties also.
All of us have been sick lately except Josh.
Josie was sick the week before Spring Break. Then the rest of us were sick during Spring Break. We have lingering coughs and stuffy noses. I can't seem to clear my throat.
Loving some of the warmer weather days though. It has definitely helped my mood.
ME: Totally feeling better than the last couple of months. Sun has definitely helped.
Really enjoyed a weekend in Missouri with my Mom & Twin. (Except when my Sis snored) LOL.
It was great to have a girls weekend. The weather was beautiful.
On another note:
Did you ever read my blog about losing a friend? So many thoughts still pop up in my mind about it all. I suppose it's not worth trying to explain here. I hate the feeling of people not talking to me.
On the plus side: I've made so many new amazing friends. God totally put them in my life at the perfect timing. I feel so blessed to have met them and really pray God willing they'll be life long friends!
Food & Body Struggle Update: (see previous blog)
My main focus right now is "Wellness without the obsession". Focusing on what's best for me without being obsessed. No more diets. No more scale. No more numbers. No more tracking. No more guilt. Eating what makes me feel my best. No one should feel guilt around food.
Movement that makes me happy. No one should feel guilt about exercise.
I want to focus on things that matter because being consumed with food and my body size is not living my best life.
I'm not "letting myself go"
My mental health is just as important if not more important than my physical health and my mental health has taken a back burner. I can not drive myself crazy trying to stay at 135lbs.
I love that I've learned this missing piece. I do still feel like I could benefit from counseling but not sure where to turn.
Pretty sure I've just been hungry my whole life and that's been my problem. I often don't eat enough. Dieting has put me on a roller coaster that I probably would have never been on if I would have just focused on wellness without the obsession to begin with.
Restricting foods will never help anyone.
I have felt more freedom that I have in a long time though.
Like - I can go to a wedding and enjoy it without being worried about what I should and should not eat because I can eat a salad and a piece of cake. I can go on a weekend trip and just run 1 mile and be happy about it instead of getting all depressed because I didn't run 13.1. I can wear clothing that makes me feel good and not care what people think of it or worry about the size. If you don't like what I do or what I wear or what I look like, then you don't deserve a spot in my life. That sounds harse but I have to stop comparing and worrying about what people think or if people like me.
Reminder: surgery quote
"Not everyone will understand your journey and that's ok. Those who are meant to walk it with you, will...and that's all that matters."
A little all over the place at the end here. If you made it this far...please comment on my Facebook post so I know who follows along.
Much love to all my fans. ;)
Josh: Only 22 days until he leaves for his Manila Philippines Missions Trip. I am so excited for him to go but the thought of him being gone for 10 days is definitely causing extra worry in my mind. I was gone 3 days for a wedding and that felt like an eternity. Some times I think it helps to be away though...gives an extra spark when you get home. ;)
I'm looking forward to a date day on Friday... we will be shopping to get him some new clothes. He has also gotten some projects done around home including putting up a outdoor theater. It's portable and easy to take down for rain, etc. We can't wait to use it. Looking forward to spending many summer or even spring nights with family and friends!
If you could pray that his missions trip goes well all prayers would be so appreciated.
Abby: She is going to be 13 in 7 days! (April 17)
Crazy, right? We will be celebrating her Birthday on Saturday the 13th. We don't have all the details planned out yet but she's excited to spend the day with her 2 closest friends Zoe & Caden...then family and friends are invited to Rum Runners at 4pm for dinner & desserts! She is super excited.
I was able to catch some of her teachers at conferences and while she may have missed the honor roll she is still doing well. I would have loved to catch all of her teachers. I'm not too fond of the way conferences are set up.
Anyway, excited to share photos from her Birthday and praying all goes well...and great weather would be awesome.
Jasmine: Jasmine read my last blog and was like...Mom! All you said was Miss Detail. ;)
I don't think she'll ever not have that title. She was super excited to have made the honor roll! I only got to catch a few of her teachers at conferences. She is anxious to use her Kayak and it makes me want one too ;).
Josie: Josie is now 6. She had a great Birthday Month (March 26) ;) Despite being sick for a while she ended up feeling better for her birthday parties. She loved having her girl friends bowl with her and she got lots of LOLs.
She doesn't like cake so she requested cupcakes (LOL) So thankful for the friends who celebrated with us and for family parties also.
All of us have been sick lately except Josh.
Josie was sick the week before Spring Break. Then the rest of us were sick during Spring Break. We have lingering coughs and stuffy noses. I can't seem to clear my throat.
Loving some of the warmer weather days though. It has definitely helped my mood.
ME: Totally feeling better than the last couple of months. Sun has definitely helped.
Really enjoyed a weekend in Missouri with my Mom & Twin. (Except when my Sis snored) LOL.
It was great to have a girls weekend. The weather was beautiful.
On another note:
Did you ever read my blog about losing a friend? So many thoughts still pop up in my mind about it all. I suppose it's not worth trying to explain here. I hate the feeling of people not talking to me.
On the plus side: I've made so many new amazing friends. God totally put them in my life at the perfect timing. I feel so blessed to have met them and really pray God willing they'll be life long friends!
Food & Body Struggle Update: (see previous blog)
My main focus right now is "Wellness without the obsession". Focusing on what's best for me without being obsessed. No more diets. No more scale. No more numbers. No more tracking. No more guilt. Eating what makes me feel my best. No one should feel guilt around food.
Movement that makes me happy. No one should feel guilt about exercise.
I want to focus on things that matter because being consumed with food and my body size is not living my best life.
I'm not "letting myself go"
My mental health is just as important if not more important than my physical health and my mental health has taken a back burner. I can not drive myself crazy trying to stay at 135lbs.
I love that I've learned this missing piece. I do still feel like I could benefit from counseling but not sure where to turn.
Pretty sure I've just been hungry my whole life and that's been my problem. I often don't eat enough. Dieting has put me on a roller coaster that I probably would have never been on if I would have just focused on wellness without the obsession to begin with.
Restricting foods will never help anyone.
I have felt more freedom that I have in a long time though.
Like - I can go to a wedding and enjoy it without being worried about what I should and should not eat because I can eat a salad and a piece of cake. I can go on a weekend trip and just run 1 mile and be happy about it instead of getting all depressed because I didn't run 13.1. I can wear clothing that makes me feel good and not care what people think of it or worry about the size. If you don't like what I do or what I wear or what I look like, then you don't deserve a spot in my life. That sounds harse but I have to stop comparing and worrying about what people think or if people like me.
Reminder: surgery quote
"Not everyone will understand your journey and that's ok. Those who are meant to walk it with you, will...and that's all that matters."
A little all over the place at the end here. If you made it this far...please comment on my Facebook post so I know who follows along.
Much love to all my fans. ;)
Tuesday, March 12, 2019
A Day Late
I kept thinking about my blog and how often I wanted to post. I may post more often but I thought I'd try to start with once a month at least. I wanted to aim for the 11th of every month because that's my favorite number so it would be easy to remember.
I'm a day late but if you're here...HELLO! ;)
How is it already March?
Family Updates
Josh: He is still working at Fox Motors. He enjoys it most days and he is blessed with an awesome schedule. He normally works M-F 8-4. He occasionally works 2 Saturday's on and 2 Saturdays off and then if he works Saturday he gets a day off during the week. He was able to take yesterday off and we got an entire day to ourselves. It was nice and sunny so it felt good to be out and about. The other day as we were leaving Church he said... "I love everyone here!"... and I said me too! I am so thankful we both love Ravenna Baptist Church and everyone there. I brought that up because in 51 days he heads with a group from Church to head to Manila Philippines. He will be going to a Children's camp where he will be able to play his guitar, and teach flag football. Such a good fit for him and I am so excited for him to go. It'll be a rough 10 days without him but I can't wait to hear all about it. Praying he has a safe trip and that God works through Josh to get to these kids. Your prayers would be amazing. He has all his funds raised. If you donated, thank you so much.
Abby: She is 12 now and most of the time people think she's 16. ;) She is really improving and doing well in school. Some classes need more work than others but I'm not even smarter than a 5th grader so most of the time Josh or grandparents help with homework because I am not good at it. She started 7th grade Volleyball and is doing amazing. I love to watch her serve and get excited when she scores points for her team. She is also still playing clarinet in yrband. Excited to see if she'll continue in the years to come.
Jasmine: She is 11 now and says she's the youngest in her class. She us Miss Detail still but I don't think she is actually the youngest. She is doing well also. She isn't currently in any sports but she does play Saxophone in band. She's not 100% sure if she still wants to play next year. She does say she wants to try Volleyball. ;) She doesn't often keep her room clean all the time but she is a great cleaning helper so I'm hoping she wants to work with me this summer. Both girls are excited because they get help out in Nursery at Church. They have also been loving Youth Group and retreats, etc that they've been on. I am so thankful they have such wonderful pastors and adults who lead the children's programs.
Josie: She is 5 but will be 6 on March 26th and she wants the whole month to be her birthday. We have told her that once she turns 6 she needs to move her bed into her bedroom and sleep in there. Her bed is currently in our bedroom. We actually don't mind it but we really want her to get used to her room. She's never slept alone (she's either been with the girls or us). Well, she may have had times in her crib alone but not too long. Man, it seems like yesterday she was just born and here she is almost 6. She is doing well in Kindergarten but she often wakes up in tears not wanting to go. Whenever we ask why she just says because she doesn't want to. She enjoys being on our phones, playing with her LOLs and Shopkins, and she's anxious to get outside to her pool and sand boxes.
Me: I suppose I don't have to update about me but I'd love to look back a year from now and see a (better?) update. The other day something happened to me and when Josh got home from work I lost it. Huge tears that I couldn't stop to explain what was wrong. When I finally gained my composure...I told him by the end that I really feel like I would benefit from professional counseling but haven't had any luck finding anything yet.
It's kind of hard to explain. On one hand I know I am extremely blessed and really should have zero complaints but on the other... I've never felt like this in my life. I've hit an extreme low and I have felt so depressed, down, and sad. I mentioned on Facebook one day that I feel like I often have no one to talk to. I know I can always turn to God and that's all that matters but I still feel really alone right now alot with my thoughts and feelings. I feel like whenever I try to explain my struggles (especially with body image and eating) I am just told to let it go and get over it. I'm really trying to let it all go but that's really easier said than done.
My whole life I've been told I have to change my size. My whole life I've worked on my size. When I got to my smallest size I was praised but still felt like something was missing. Now that I'm not my smallest size I feel like everyone just "laughs" at me as if they're saying...I knew she wouldn't keep the weight off. She must have just let herself go. UM NO!
Eating 800 calories a day and working out 2 hours a day is not living.
Worrying about what my body looks like is not living.
Worrying about what others say about me is not living.
I do not like what I see in the mirror but I want to. If only everyone knew my insides.
I just want to be free from all this. Especially since I don't want my girls to have to deal with these struggles. I don't feel like myself. I often feel like I'm putting on a fake smile. I love to smile though so...
Of course not every day because I do have really good days but it's just been rough.
I keep saying maybe when the weather is better (sunnier days have helped). Except I just need to change my mindset and say
Not today Satan - today I'm going to choose JOY! To let it all go and Trust God.
Still cleaning and Norwexing...wishing just the Norwex teehee
I have new amazing friends. I have a new amazing Church and Church family.
My family loves me no matter what and above all that I have a God who loves me even more and I know He'll get me through this.
I am worthy just because I am His!
If you could pray for me I would really appreciate it. Thanks for reading.
See you again before or on April 11th ;)
OH! I am going to do a 10K June 22nd. Haven't even really ran 1 mile. So hoping I'll get back into it.
P.S. I have 2 Facebook Accounts
Amanda Gail Long Miller - mostly Business
Amanda Miller - only personal
I'm a day late but if you're here...HELLO! ;)
How is it already March?
Family Updates
Josh: He is still working at Fox Motors. He enjoys it most days and he is blessed with an awesome schedule. He normally works M-F 8-4. He occasionally works 2 Saturday's on and 2 Saturdays off and then if he works Saturday he gets a day off during the week. He was able to take yesterday off and we got an entire day to ourselves. It was nice and sunny so it felt good to be out and about. The other day as we were leaving Church he said... "I love everyone here!"... and I said me too! I am so thankful we both love Ravenna Baptist Church and everyone there. I brought that up because in 51 days he heads with a group from Church to head to Manila Philippines. He will be going to a Children's camp where he will be able to play his guitar, and teach flag football. Such a good fit for him and I am so excited for him to go. It'll be a rough 10 days without him but I can't wait to hear all about it. Praying he has a safe trip and that God works through Josh to get to these kids. Your prayers would be amazing. He has all his funds raised. If you donated, thank you so much.
Abby: She is 12 now and most of the time people think she's 16. ;) She is really improving and doing well in school. Some classes need more work than others but I'm not even smarter than a 5th grader so most of the time Josh or grandparents help with homework because I am not good at it. She started 7th grade Volleyball and is doing amazing. I love to watch her serve and get excited when she scores points for her team. She is also still playing clarinet in yrband. Excited to see if she'll continue in the years to come.
Jasmine: She is 11 now and says she's the youngest in her class. She us Miss Detail still but I don't think she is actually the youngest. She is doing well also. She isn't currently in any sports but she does play Saxophone in band. She's not 100% sure if she still wants to play next year. She does say she wants to try Volleyball. ;) She doesn't often keep her room clean all the time but she is a great cleaning helper so I'm hoping she wants to work with me this summer. Both girls are excited because they get help out in Nursery at Church. They have also been loving Youth Group and retreats, etc that they've been on. I am so thankful they have such wonderful pastors and adults who lead the children's programs.
Josie: She is 5 but will be 6 on March 26th and she wants the whole month to be her birthday. We have told her that once she turns 6 she needs to move her bed into her bedroom and sleep in there. Her bed is currently in our bedroom. We actually don't mind it but we really want her to get used to her room. She's never slept alone (she's either been with the girls or us). Well, she may have had times in her crib alone but not too long. Man, it seems like yesterday she was just born and here she is almost 6. She is doing well in Kindergarten but she often wakes up in tears not wanting to go. Whenever we ask why she just says because she doesn't want to. She enjoys being on our phones, playing with her LOLs and Shopkins, and she's anxious to get outside to her pool and sand boxes.
Me: I suppose I don't have to update about me but I'd love to look back a year from now and see a (better?) update. The other day something happened to me and when Josh got home from work I lost it. Huge tears that I couldn't stop to explain what was wrong. When I finally gained my composure...I told him by the end that I really feel like I would benefit from professional counseling but haven't had any luck finding anything yet.
It's kind of hard to explain. On one hand I know I am extremely blessed and really should have zero complaints but on the other... I've never felt like this in my life. I've hit an extreme low and I have felt so depressed, down, and sad. I mentioned on Facebook one day that I feel like I often have no one to talk to. I know I can always turn to God and that's all that matters but I still feel really alone right now alot with my thoughts and feelings. I feel like whenever I try to explain my struggles (especially with body image and eating) I am just told to let it go and get over it. I'm really trying to let it all go but that's really easier said than done.
My whole life I've been told I have to change my size. My whole life I've worked on my size. When I got to my smallest size I was praised but still felt like something was missing. Now that I'm not my smallest size I feel like everyone just "laughs" at me as if they're saying...I knew she wouldn't keep the weight off. She must have just let herself go. UM NO!
Eating 800 calories a day and working out 2 hours a day is not living.
Worrying about what my body looks like is not living.
Worrying about what others say about me is not living.
I do not like what I see in the mirror but I want to. If only everyone knew my insides.
I just want to be free from all this. Especially since I don't want my girls to have to deal with these struggles. I don't feel like myself. I often feel like I'm putting on a fake smile. I love to smile though so...
Of course not every day because I do have really good days but it's just been rough.
I keep saying maybe when the weather is better (sunnier days have helped). Except I just need to change my mindset and say
Not today Satan - today I'm going to choose JOY! To let it all go and Trust God.
Still cleaning and Norwexing...wishing just the Norwex teehee
I have new amazing friends. I have a new amazing Church and Church family.
My family loves me no matter what and above all that I have a God who loves me even more and I know He'll get me through this.
I am worthy just because I am His!
If you could pray for me I would really appreciate it. Thanks for reading.
See you again before or on April 11th ;)
OH! I am going to do a 10K June 22nd. Haven't even really ran 1 mile. So hoping I'll get back into it.
P.S. I have 2 Facebook Accounts
Amanda Gail Long Miller - mostly Business
Amanda Miller - only personal
Sunday, February 24, 2019
It's Official!!!
It's Official!!!
I am beyond ecstatic to announce
Josh and I are now official members of
Ravenna Baptist Church!
Think of me saying that with absolute pure JOY!
We serve an amazing and incredible God and I'm not even sure if this blog will be able to adequately show just how much this update means to us.
We love EVERYTHING about this Church and are so very thankful God brought us to it.
Let me share the story.
Josh and I were both members of Kent City Baptist Church. I'm not sure the exact dates but Josh probably attended KCBC for more than 20 years and me probably around 15 years. It's really been the only Church I've known because I did not grow up going to Church regularly.
Around the same time we both said to each other... "What if we tried a new Church?"
We found ourselves most Sundays saying "eh, let's just stay home today!" Then I'd occasionally catch up with online sermons.
We were feeling like there just wasn't room to grow at KC. We weren't feeling connected with many and we wanted to meet new people. We also figured if we didn't find a new Church we'd just go back.
Our search began...
We tried one Church very close to home (like 5 mins away) and while I didn't want to just go one time, we knew that wasn't going to be the right fit.
I put KCBC in my GPS and it was 12 minutes away. We then googled other Churches so the we tried Ravenna Baptist Church which was also 12 minutes away (so we figured well at least we don't have to go any farther)!
(If we had to drive an hour to get to Ravenna Baptist Church... I would want to!) ;)
(I'm going to leave names out for now because I don't want to miss anyone)
So August 12th 2018 was our first Sunday at RBC. We were greeted and smiled at by many but a couple introduced themselves. The wife said "just so you know, this is not our typical Church service right now, our Senior Pastor is on a sabbatical and all of our children's ministry staff is off for the month of August". The husband did the sermon and we found out later the wife was the Church Secretary. We loved the sermon and we loved that everyone was so welcoming and friendly.
The girls were kind of bummed there wasn't anything for them to do but we knew we wanted to go back. We said that if we enjoyed it this much without all the regular stuff going on we need to at least keep coming until everyone is back in September.
I started listening to our Senior Pastor online to listen to some of his sermons and I really loved those as well.
Since August 12th I believe I've only missed 1 Sunday and Josh maybe 2.
We feel like we are a part of an extremely loving family and Sunday is my new favorite day and I can't wait to see our family. The girls have made some friends and it has been so wonderful.
We've been excited to be able to plug into many areas.
Josh and I both attend our Bible Studies.
I attended our Womens Retreat in October.
Josh will be attending our Mens Retreat in March. He will also be a member of our missions team and will be going to Manila Philippines in May on his 2nd missions trip. (Which is fully funded already) Praise God.
We are on the list as door greeters, Nursery workers (the girls too), and I was able to set up our Ravenna Baptist Women's Facebook group.
The girls went on their first winter retreat and are loving Wednesday night Awana, Youth Group, and Sunday Schools. They love it at RBC too and were very bummed when they couldn't go because of the weather recently.
I will also eventually be able to be on our Praise team and I can not wait.
I can't wait to see where God takes us with all these opportunities.
We have incredible Pastors (& families) and I'm excited to continue to get to know them all.
Let's talk about friendships...
Even just saying that almost brings me to happy tears because I can't even put into words how amazing it has been to feel like we have met so many amazing people and have so many new friends. I've never experienced the love like the love of our family at RBC. To know we have friends who pray for us. To know we have friends that we could count on if we're in need. To know we have true friends. Sometimes I think... pinch me...
Except - nope! God is so good and He knew exactly what He was doing when he pushed us here. His timing is so very perfect.
So all glory and praise be to our amazing God for new beginnings, these people, and this Church.
I feel like there is so much more I'd like to include but for now I'll leave it at this.
Our sermons lately have been Our God is Greater. They've been exactly what I need to hear. Today was God is greater than our future.
We went through some of John 14, Matthew 6, and Philippians 4. Many verses that I need to have written everywhere to memorize them.
I decided in January that my key word for 2019 needed to be TRUST. Trust God. Trust that all will be ok. Just trust. That word was in today's sermon.
While I often pray about something, feel like I let it go, and then take it back...I want to just put my full trust in God.
There has been a new fire lit within me. I have wanted to open my Bible more than I ever have and it has made Sunday my new favorite day.
If you made it this far. Thank you to our new RBC family for being you. We are thankful for your love and friendship. I am looking forward to getting to know you all even better. You are cherished beyond words.
We cannot wait to see what God has for our future and God willing we will be members for our lifetime.
I'm going to post some pictures on Facebook. ♡
I am beyond ecstatic to announce
Josh and I are now official members of
Ravenna Baptist Church!
Think of me saying that with absolute pure JOY!
We serve an amazing and incredible God and I'm not even sure if this blog will be able to adequately show just how much this update means to us.
We love EVERYTHING about this Church and are so very thankful God brought us to it.
Let me share the story.
Josh and I were both members of Kent City Baptist Church. I'm not sure the exact dates but Josh probably attended KCBC for more than 20 years and me probably around 15 years. It's really been the only Church I've known because I did not grow up going to Church regularly.
Around the same time we both said to each other... "What if we tried a new Church?"
We found ourselves most Sundays saying "eh, let's just stay home today!" Then I'd occasionally catch up with online sermons.
We were feeling like there just wasn't room to grow at KC. We weren't feeling connected with many and we wanted to meet new people. We also figured if we didn't find a new Church we'd just go back.
Our search began...
We tried one Church very close to home (like 5 mins away) and while I didn't want to just go one time, we knew that wasn't going to be the right fit.
I put KCBC in my GPS and it was 12 minutes away. We then googled other Churches so the we tried Ravenna Baptist Church which was also 12 minutes away (so we figured well at least we don't have to go any farther)!
(If we had to drive an hour to get to Ravenna Baptist Church... I would want to!) ;)
(I'm going to leave names out for now because I don't want to miss anyone)
So August 12th 2018 was our first Sunday at RBC. We were greeted and smiled at by many but a couple introduced themselves. The wife said "just so you know, this is not our typical Church service right now, our Senior Pastor is on a sabbatical and all of our children's ministry staff is off for the month of August". The husband did the sermon and we found out later the wife was the Church Secretary. We loved the sermon and we loved that everyone was so welcoming and friendly.
The girls were kind of bummed there wasn't anything for them to do but we knew we wanted to go back. We said that if we enjoyed it this much without all the regular stuff going on we need to at least keep coming until everyone is back in September.
I started listening to our Senior Pastor online to listen to some of his sermons and I really loved those as well.
Since August 12th I believe I've only missed 1 Sunday and Josh maybe 2.
We feel like we are a part of an extremely loving family and Sunday is my new favorite day and I can't wait to see our family. The girls have made some friends and it has been so wonderful.
We've been excited to be able to plug into many areas.
Josh and I both attend our Bible Studies.
I attended our Womens Retreat in October.
Josh will be attending our Mens Retreat in March. He will also be a member of our missions team and will be going to Manila Philippines in May on his 2nd missions trip. (Which is fully funded already) Praise God.
We are on the list as door greeters, Nursery workers (the girls too), and I was able to set up our Ravenna Baptist Women's Facebook group.
The girls went on their first winter retreat and are loving Wednesday night Awana, Youth Group, and Sunday Schools. They love it at RBC too and were very bummed when they couldn't go because of the weather recently.
I will also eventually be able to be on our Praise team and I can not wait.
I can't wait to see where God takes us with all these opportunities.
We have incredible Pastors (& families) and I'm excited to continue to get to know them all.
Let's talk about friendships...
Even just saying that almost brings me to happy tears because I can't even put into words how amazing it has been to feel like we have met so many amazing people and have so many new friends. I've never experienced the love like the love of our family at RBC. To know we have friends who pray for us. To know we have friends that we could count on if we're in need. To know we have true friends. Sometimes I think... pinch me...
Except - nope! God is so good and He knew exactly what He was doing when he pushed us here. His timing is so very perfect.
So all glory and praise be to our amazing God for new beginnings, these people, and this Church.
I feel like there is so much more I'd like to include but for now I'll leave it at this.
Our sermons lately have been Our God is Greater. They've been exactly what I need to hear. Today was God is greater than our future.
We went through some of John 14, Matthew 6, and Philippians 4. Many verses that I need to have written everywhere to memorize them.
I decided in January that my key word for 2019 needed to be TRUST. Trust God. Trust that all will be ok. Just trust. That word was in today's sermon.
While I often pray about something, feel like I let it go, and then take it back...I want to just put my full trust in God.
There has been a new fire lit within me. I have wanted to open my Bible more than I ever have and it has made Sunday my new favorite day.
If you made it this far. Thank you to our new RBC family for being you. We are thankful for your love and friendship. I am looking forward to getting to know you all even better. You are cherished beyond words.
We cannot wait to see what God has for our future and God willing we will be members for our lifetime.
I'm going to post some pictures on Facebook. ♡
Saturday, February 9, 2019
I'm still alive!
I'm still alive!
I officially made it a week with ZERO exercise and I wanted to share with you how amazing it was.
It felt amazing because I was able to go to bed with no thoughts about what workout I was going to do the next day. It felt amazing because I didn't have to get up early. It felt amazing because I didn't have to worry about what to do after I got done cleaning for the day. I didn't lay awake in bed all night and stress about it. There were times I knew I'd enjoy doing something but it was one less worry off my mind. Not doing a workout for a day should never make anyone feel guilty EVER!!! Rest is good too.
Some people can not exercise. I am thankful God has given me this body to do what it can. It may be different every day and even different a year from now but I'm just going to keep moving forward. I kind of feel like I'm in a recovery period even though I have no formal counseling, or help etc.
So, first off if you missed it... my 11 year old daughter Jasmine read my food & body struggle blog and she talked to me about it. She then said "Mom, I want you to promise me you'll do a challenge where you won't work out for one week, I don't want you to feel guilty." She knows exercise often makes me feel better but she also knew that if I did not do a daily workout that I felt guilty which is not cool.
I promised her that I would go a week with no exercise and I made it.
I definitely don't want my girls to feel guilty if they don't exercise everyday. I want them to know their worth has nothing to do with their body size or what workouts they do. So it's been a huge wake up call for me. They're watching me and I want to be a good example. I don't want them dealing with my struggles.
Let's rewind a touch. Growing up I never worked out. I may have rode my bike or went for a walk but that was the extent of it. Through high school I was in marching band and bowling but never did anything other than walk or ride by bike.
I did go to Curves (womens only) and sometimes had memberships to gyms but the gyms I mainly used the treadmills or bikes.
At one point when I worked full time I rode my bike every day during lunch whenever I could. Just because I enjoyed it but I always secretly had wished I would have lost weight doing so. (I think I may have lost some)
Once I started my surgery journey I often thought about doing more. In 2015 my sister in law talked Josh and I into doing a 5K. I didn't really prepare much for that but in Sept of 2015 she was by my side the entire time. I mostly walked and I kept telling her she could go ahead but she stayed with me. I was so emotional because I was so nervous. I was so happy that I was doing a 5K but felt bad because she stayed behind to stick with me. I hope to never forget that...it meant so much to me. Josh and I grabbed each other at the end and just cried. We both completed our 1st 5K! Thankful my sister in law pushed us to do that.
Once I had my surgery in Oct of 2015 I had my recovery period so I didn't start any major exercise until February of 2016. I was also in the process of getting ready for the Kent City Ridge Run 5K where my goal was to try to run the entire thing. I had only ran 1 mile straight before the run but I ended up running the entire 5K. That started my running bug.
Feb of 2016 I was also introduced to Beachbody workouts. This part is the hardest for me to explain. I'm even kind of frozen as I sit here to type. How do I sum this up? I don't think I would be where I'm at today without those workouts but at the same time at this point in my life am no longer paying for Beachbody on Demand workouts. The only way I would be able to do one of those workouts now is if I shut the sound completely off. I decided for my mental health it would be best to just find workouts I enjoy, workouts that make me feel happy, workouts that don't make me feel guilty if I don't workout everyday, have a beach body, or make me feel guilty if I'm not following 50 million different food plans, etc.
I felt great doing workouts but at the same time got to the point where I was doing 2 hours of workouts a day and never felt like it was enough. Or you know..."Never miss a Monday" so if I missed a day...I was bad!
I absolutely loved all the races I've run in and would like to do another one someday but I'm not sure when that will be. Right now I just want to run for fun and not be training for anything. I want to run and not worry about my pace. Or run whatever distance I want without feeling like I'm not good enough if someone else ran farther or faster.
In Feb of 2018 I said on Facebook "Loving that exercise is a TOP priority in my life right now"
I look at that now and think ... oh my goodness... it seriously was the only thing I thought about. It consumed me. I look back and realize my workouts were top priority and my family, my house, everything else came 2nd. Definitely NOT what I want from here on out.
Another part of me thought if I don't exercise I'm going to gain all my weight back.
Flippen A ya'll! I'm so done letting food, body, exercise be the top stuff on my mind. I am worthy no matter what. Period.
Yes I want to enjoy movement because it makes me feel good but it ain't gonna be 2 hours a day and if I miss a day it's ok.
Yes I am going to eat food that makes me feel good but I ain't gonna restrict or eat nothing or feel guilty for eating absolutely everything I put into my mouth. At one point I felt guilty if I ate more carrots than the serving suggestion said. CARROTS...flippen carrots. Or ...you can only have a half of a banana , Seriously!?
So many people have said I'm an inspiration. I would like to inspire people. I never want people to feel guilty for anything though. Can I inspire people in other ways?
So maybe I'm not my 135lbs because I don't run 1 hour a day and do a 1 hour workout a day anymore. Or maybe I'm not 135lbs because I eat pizza and salad in the same week but again I no longer want all this to be my top priority anymore. My weight gain I feel is my bodies way of doing it's best to feel like it's keeping me alive. My weight gain could even be because I still don't give it enough food? I've read everyone has a set point weight and your body does what it needs to do to get there.
My life's work isn't trying to constantly change what I look like though. Many days I ask myself...what is my purpose on this Earth? I don't know right now but God knows. I trust His plan for me. I've made it through 100% of my bad days so far. Even days where I have felt like I don't want to be alive.
One thing I've realized though that makes it hard... I was praised for 2 hour workouts. I was praised for not eating too many carrots. I was praised for being 135lbs. Now that I don't post daily workouts or post before and after photos all that has went away. People totally treat you different when you're in a smaller body. It's frustrating. Why can't we all be good enough exactly the way we are?
I want my focus to be on things that matter.
I want my focus to be on God.
I want my focus to be on my family and true friends.
If I knew that I was going to die tomorrow I definitely wouldn't be thinking that I need to get back to 135lbs before I die. If I died tomorrow I would just want people to think of me as someone with a huge heart that was extremely loving. Not that girl who lost weight, kept it off, worked out 2 hours a day, and ate nothing.
If you made it this far... just do movement you enjoy and don't feel guilty about rest. Just eat food that makes you feel good and don't feel guilty ever about food. Don't diet. Do not go through weight loss surgery unless you have had counseling first.
& most importantly and what I need to do more of...
PRAY.
Letting things go and giving it all to God.
He will take care of me every second of every day.
God is so good! God is so great!
I'm thankful I'm still alive!
I officially made it a week with ZERO exercise and I wanted to share with you how amazing it was.
It felt amazing because I was able to go to bed with no thoughts about what workout I was going to do the next day. It felt amazing because I didn't have to get up early. It felt amazing because I didn't have to worry about what to do after I got done cleaning for the day. I didn't lay awake in bed all night and stress about it. There were times I knew I'd enjoy doing something but it was one less worry off my mind. Not doing a workout for a day should never make anyone feel guilty EVER!!! Rest is good too.
Some people can not exercise. I am thankful God has given me this body to do what it can. It may be different every day and even different a year from now but I'm just going to keep moving forward. I kind of feel like I'm in a recovery period even though I have no formal counseling, or help etc.
So, first off if you missed it... my 11 year old daughter Jasmine read my food & body struggle blog and she talked to me about it. She then said "Mom, I want you to promise me you'll do a challenge where you won't work out for one week, I don't want you to feel guilty." She knows exercise often makes me feel better but she also knew that if I did not do a daily workout that I felt guilty which is not cool.
I promised her that I would go a week with no exercise and I made it.
I definitely don't want my girls to feel guilty if they don't exercise everyday. I want them to know their worth has nothing to do with their body size or what workouts they do. So it's been a huge wake up call for me. They're watching me and I want to be a good example. I don't want them dealing with my struggles.
Let's rewind a touch. Growing up I never worked out. I may have rode my bike or went for a walk but that was the extent of it. Through high school I was in marching band and bowling but never did anything other than walk or ride by bike.
I did go to Curves (womens only) and sometimes had memberships to gyms but the gyms I mainly used the treadmills or bikes.
At one point when I worked full time I rode my bike every day during lunch whenever I could. Just because I enjoyed it but I always secretly had wished I would have lost weight doing so. (I think I may have lost some)
Once I started my surgery journey I often thought about doing more. In 2015 my sister in law talked Josh and I into doing a 5K. I didn't really prepare much for that but in Sept of 2015 she was by my side the entire time. I mostly walked and I kept telling her she could go ahead but she stayed with me. I was so emotional because I was so nervous. I was so happy that I was doing a 5K but felt bad because she stayed behind to stick with me. I hope to never forget that...it meant so much to me. Josh and I grabbed each other at the end and just cried. We both completed our 1st 5K! Thankful my sister in law pushed us to do that.
Once I had my surgery in Oct of 2015 I had my recovery period so I didn't start any major exercise until February of 2016. I was also in the process of getting ready for the Kent City Ridge Run 5K where my goal was to try to run the entire thing. I had only ran 1 mile straight before the run but I ended up running the entire 5K. That started my running bug.
Feb of 2016 I was also introduced to Beachbody workouts. This part is the hardest for me to explain. I'm even kind of frozen as I sit here to type. How do I sum this up? I don't think I would be where I'm at today without those workouts but at the same time at this point in my life am no longer paying for Beachbody on Demand workouts. The only way I would be able to do one of those workouts now is if I shut the sound completely off. I decided for my mental health it would be best to just find workouts I enjoy, workouts that make me feel happy, workouts that don't make me feel guilty if I don't workout everyday, have a beach body, or make me feel guilty if I'm not following 50 million different food plans, etc.
I felt great doing workouts but at the same time got to the point where I was doing 2 hours of workouts a day and never felt like it was enough. Or you know..."Never miss a Monday" so if I missed a day...I was bad!
I absolutely loved all the races I've run in and would like to do another one someday but I'm not sure when that will be. Right now I just want to run for fun and not be training for anything. I want to run and not worry about my pace. Or run whatever distance I want without feeling like I'm not good enough if someone else ran farther or faster.
In Feb of 2018 I said on Facebook "Loving that exercise is a TOP priority in my life right now"
I look at that now and think ... oh my goodness... it seriously was the only thing I thought about. It consumed me. I look back and realize my workouts were top priority and my family, my house, everything else came 2nd. Definitely NOT what I want from here on out.
Another part of me thought if I don't exercise I'm going to gain all my weight back.
Flippen A ya'll! I'm so done letting food, body, exercise be the top stuff on my mind. I am worthy no matter what. Period.
Yes I want to enjoy movement because it makes me feel good but it ain't gonna be 2 hours a day and if I miss a day it's ok.
Yes I am going to eat food that makes me feel good but I ain't gonna restrict or eat nothing or feel guilty for eating absolutely everything I put into my mouth. At one point I felt guilty if I ate more carrots than the serving suggestion said. CARROTS...flippen carrots. Or ...you can only have a half of a banana , Seriously!?
So many people have said I'm an inspiration. I would like to inspire people. I never want people to feel guilty for anything though. Can I inspire people in other ways?
So maybe I'm not my 135lbs because I don't run 1 hour a day and do a 1 hour workout a day anymore. Or maybe I'm not 135lbs because I eat pizza and salad in the same week but again I no longer want all this to be my top priority anymore. My weight gain I feel is my bodies way of doing it's best to feel like it's keeping me alive. My weight gain could even be because I still don't give it enough food? I've read everyone has a set point weight and your body does what it needs to do to get there.
My life's work isn't trying to constantly change what I look like though. Many days I ask myself...what is my purpose on this Earth? I don't know right now but God knows. I trust His plan for me. I've made it through 100% of my bad days so far. Even days where I have felt like I don't want to be alive.
One thing I've realized though that makes it hard... I was praised for 2 hour workouts. I was praised for not eating too many carrots. I was praised for being 135lbs. Now that I don't post daily workouts or post before and after photos all that has went away. People totally treat you different when you're in a smaller body. It's frustrating. Why can't we all be good enough exactly the way we are?
I want my focus to be on things that matter.
I want my focus to be on God.
I want my focus to be on my family and true friends.
If I knew that I was going to die tomorrow I definitely wouldn't be thinking that I need to get back to 135lbs before I die. If I died tomorrow I would just want people to think of me as someone with a huge heart that was extremely loving. Not that girl who lost weight, kept it off, worked out 2 hours a day, and ate nothing.
If you made it this far... just do movement you enjoy and don't feel guilty about rest. Just eat food that makes you feel good and don't feel guilty ever about food. Don't diet. Do not go through weight loss surgery unless you have had counseling first.
& most importantly and what I need to do more of...
PRAY.
Letting things go and giving it all to God.
He will take care of me every second of every day.
God is so good! God is so great!
I'm thankful I'm still alive!
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
Only God Knows
Have you ever lost a friend?
I have.
I can only imagine that God has something so much greater for me! I'm excited to find out what that is! Only He knows my story and I'm really trying to put my complete trust in Him without looking back.
My mind goes back and forth some days and I really want to just give it all to God so I don't keep taking it back. Definitely still learning but remembering I'll never be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. I make lots of mistakes.
My best friend is my husband Josh and my best family member friend is my twin sister, but as of Jan 14th (or before) I lost a friend who I considered to be my best friend - friend.
Was it all my fault? It had to end with just a text? 5 years and then done? ...Only God knows!
While I know my overthinking caused problems in my mind (that possibly weren't a problem to begin with) what I don't understand is how a friend could just move on after 5 years?
(In my mind) ... so many amazing memories together that I would have loved to continue. I am thankful I can look back and smile about the memories we did share. Some of the best times of my life.
I mean...when I say I Love You Infinity - I mean it! I do still love her and her entire family lots. I feel very hurt. Not really sure what to think at times. Sometimes I get angry.
Maybe she feels hurt too? Which has NEVER EVER been my intention. I NEVER meant to do anything that would harm our friendship. I feel like I can't say anything else though? If I died tomorrow would she come to my funeral? Should I send her a birthday card? Would she just throw it away? What if we run into each other in person? Would she just ignore me? Is she just all happy now that we haven't talked? What does she tell people?... Only God knows!
One time she said to me " It's not like I think about you that often, I mean I walked into a store and saw a purple wreath and thought of you" That kind of stung because I thought about her a lot (still do). Maybe she meant it in a different way?
All friendships are different and everyone is different at showing their emotions, etc...and I get that but I feel like I am the type of friend who would do absolutely anything for my friends. I feel like I have a huge heart, care so much, and love with all my heart (maybe that is my biggest problem) ... I often wish it felt like someone liked me as much as I like them. Maybe they do? We all like to feel loved don't we? I often was left feeling like --- am I not a good enough friend? Why doesn't she say to me some of the words she says to others? Comparison is the thief of joy - we've all done that!
So again - pretty sure this is all my overthinking... my stupid overthinking... which pretty much ruined our friendship. A friendship that I did not want to ruin.
I would love to just press a button - and POOF ... no more overthinking
BUT at the same time - how can I feel like I'm just being ME then?
I would love to be able to sit down and just apologize in person but how do I even ask?
Would she even accept an apology? I'm sorry for overthinking? Loving too much? Caring too much? Maybe I was too annoying or maybe she thought I had too many expectations? I don't really have a full story or her side of the story.
I don't know - I truly did not have any expectations except just wanting a true friend in person and true friend behind my back.
There are always the sayings - some people are in your life for seasons, etc... I guess I was just hoping it was a forever season? Maybe it's best to celebrate a new season and new friendships instead?
I want to continue to pray about it. I pray that maybe someday she will forgive me? I'm also praying I don't do anything to mess up other friendships and new friendships because they have meant so much to me.
Josh and my girlies are my world and they always come first but life is better with true friends.
I'll keep praying... God knows my name, He knows my heart, He knows my every thought, He sees each tear that falls, and He hears me when I call!
Only God Knows!
I have.
I can only imagine that God has something so much greater for me! I'm excited to find out what that is! Only He knows my story and I'm really trying to put my complete trust in Him without looking back.
My mind goes back and forth some days and I really want to just give it all to God so I don't keep taking it back. Definitely still learning but remembering I'll never be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. I make lots of mistakes.
My best friend is my husband Josh and my best family member friend is my twin sister, but as of Jan 14th (or before) I lost a friend who I considered to be my best friend - friend.
Was it all my fault? It had to end with just a text? 5 years and then done? ...Only God knows!
While I know my overthinking caused problems in my mind (that possibly weren't a problem to begin with) what I don't understand is how a friend could just move on after 5 years?
(In my mind) ... so many amazing memories together that I would have loved to continue. I am thankful I can look back and smile about the memories we did share. Some of the best times of my life.
I mean...when I say I Love You Infinity - I mean it! I do still love her and her entire family lots. I feel very hurt. Not really sure what to think at times. Sometimes I get angry.
Maybe she feels hurt too? Which has NEVER EVER been my intention. I NEVER meant to do anything that would harm our friendship. I feel like I can't say anything else though? If I died tomorrow would she come to my funeral? Should I send her a birthday card? Would she just throw it away? What if we run into each other in person? Would she just ignore me? Is she just all happy now that we haven't talked? What does she tell people?... Only God knows!
One time she said to me " It's not like I think about you that often, I mean I walked into a store and saw a purple wreath and thought of you" That kind of stung because I thought about her a lot (still do). Maybe she meant it in a different way?
All friendships are different and everyone is different at showing their emotions, etc...and I get that but I feel like I am the type of friend who would do absolutely anything for my friends. I feel like I have a huge heart, care so much, and love with all my heart (maybe that is my biggest problem) ... I often wish it felt like someone liked me as much as I like them. Maybe they do? We all like to feel loved don't we? I often was left feeling like --- am I not a good enough friend? Why doesn't she say to me some of the words she says to others? Comparison is the thief of joy - we've all done that!
So again - pretty sure this is all my overthinking... my stupid overthinking... which pretty much ruined our friendship. A friendship that I did not want to ruin.
I would love to just press a button - and POOF ... no more overthinking
BUT at the same time - how can I feel like I'm just being ME then?
I would love to be able to sit down and just apologize in person but how do I even ask?
Would she even accept an apology? I'm sorry for overthinking? Loving too much? Caring too much? Maybe I was too annoying or maybe she thought I had too many expectations? I don't really have a full story or her side of the story.
I don't know - I truly did not have any expectations except just wanting a true friend in person and true friend behind my back.
There are always the sayings - some people are in your life for seasons, etc... I guess I was just hoping it was a forever season? Maybe it's best to celebrate a new season and new friendships instead?
I want to continue to pray about it. I pray that maybe someday she will forgive me? I'm also praying I don't do anything to mess up other friendships and new friendships because they have meant so much to me.
Josh and my girlies are my world and they always come first but life is better with true friends.
I'll keep praying... God knows my name, He knows my heart, He knows my every thought, He sees each tear that falls, and He hears me when I call!
Only God Knows!
Sunday, January 20, 2019
My Body & Food Struggles
This has been the biggest thing I've wanted to write about lately and everytime I feel like I want to start I get overwhelmed with all my thoughts. I want it to "come out right".
My Body & My Food Struggles
Before I start I have to say. This topic can often have many opinions. I of course am not a expert on any of this but it's just my experience or what I've learned recently. I'm a big fan of everyone doing whatever works for them. If your body & food journey is different than mine, that's ok. This is me.
This topic I feel like I have always struggled with but I am working on breaking myself free from these worries about my body and food. It has consumed way too much of my life. I just want to put God first and with His help and diving into His word, I know I can trust and be at peace that "every little thing is gonna be alright". He is with me always.
This will be long.
I've always been a girl in a bigger body. One thing that has always stuck out to me is my Grandpa used to always say...Hey, Big Girl! I always felt like since I was bigger that that was not a good thing. I was always shy and never had a lot of confidence or high self esteem. During my school years I don't really ever remember being bullied necessarily but with my twin being my best friend I didn't really have many friends. She was always smaller than me though so I think I always compared myself and thought she was favored because she was smaller.
I hate to use numbers but for a long time numbers have controlled my thoughts so I'm going to use them for this blog but by the end you'll see why I will no longer use numbers to define me.
When I was a freshman in high school I can remember going to the drs and was told I weighed 199. That stuck out to me for some reason and I remember thinking WOW! That's too much for a 9th grader. I also remember my sister was 150 so again compared. I don't really remember much before this age as far as my weight etc but during that summer I used to ride my bike back and forth to our neighbor's homes all day long. I felt like all I ate was butter noodles and bread. I lost some weight and thought, if I just don't eat anything and ride my bike all the time I'll become really skinny.
Now growing up I didn't really know a whole lot about nutrition necessarily, I just ate what my parents bought at the store and what my mom would make. My Dad only eats certain foods so my Mom only cooked what he would like. Occasionally she would make separate things if my Dad wanted something different. Pretty sure that is why to this day I do not cook because my Mom did it all.
I don't remember having a lot of thoughts about my body and food except I just considered myself fat and never really liked it. I would go to dr appointments and weight was always brought up. One time I even went for a cold and the dr said it was probably due to my weight.
Fast forward to 2008. By this time I had Abby in 2006 and Jasmine in 2007. I had my 1 year check up after having Jasmine. I got to my OBGYN appointment and my weight was 302.4lbs. I cried my entire appointment because I never expected to see that number but also all my doctor talked about was how I needed to loose weight. He said I should be 165lbs and he recommended medical weight loss or weight watchers. I checked into medical weight loss but that was expensive so I started weight watchers. I think I lost around 75 lbs during weight watchers but always stopped and started again so I don't remember how long that took me. I can remember though always thinking that all that mattered was the number on the scale. If I went over my points I was bad. If I gained weight that week it was because I ate too much pizza that week. I can remember it made food good or bad therefore depending on what I ate...I was good or bad.
I remember trying to restrict food groups. I can remember not eating anything on Monday weigh in days in hopes I would at least be less on the scale so that I'd be praised for being less instead of having to say well it must've been that pizza or not going to weigh in at all unless I was for sure I had lost weight. After restricting food all day I'd come home and have a huge plate of spaghetti but "it would be under my points" and then I'd feel like crap because I ate too much, too late.
So with all that up and down and losing and gaining again I thought that I was the problem. That I can not eat right. I can not exercise right. So I was a failure. Josh and I then decided maybe we should do medical weight loss because if weight watchers and other diets don't work then maybe with medical help - it'll do the trick. We started in 2012, paid a boat load of money and wasted it all because we ended up having to put it on hold because I found out I was pregnant with Josie. At the start of medical weight loss, I lost 20lbs Josh lost 40lbs but looking back the whole thing just really infuriates me. We literally got a sheet of paper that explained what we should eat. We would go home and do our best to eat exactly as the papers said. Felt horrible but if went to weigh in and we had lost weight we got to ring a bell. So every week we would drive 40 mins to ring a bell. We got zero guidance. Zero help. Zero support. Just... oh your number is down so ring the bell. The number was all that mattered.
So still thinking that I'm not good enough because I'm still too big Josh and I decided to pursue weight loss surgery. He had gastric sleeve surgery in 2014. I had gastric sleeve surgery in 2015.
I was 230 on the date of my surgery Oct 1st 2015.
I can remember thinking it was the only way I would ever be able to loose weight.
During my 6 months before surgery stuff I had to make sure I didn't loose any more weight otherwise I would not have qualified for surgery.
Not once in my entire life has any doctor recommended counseling or mental health care. During my surgery process there was absolutely zero "help" either. It was always about what the scale said. Can you see why numbers have always consumed me?
So one year after surgery on my birthday November 11th 2016 I went for a 11 mile run. I got home, stepped on the scale and was 135.2lbs. I felt so weak, so lightheaded, felt awful, took a hot bath...but I was on top of the world because I had just hit a weight I never thought I'd make. I would workout up to 2 hours a day with maybe 1 rest day. I hardly ate anything. But all that mattered was that stupid number. Then at a follow up appointment I was so scared to step on the scale because I knew for the first time since surgery I gained weight. I was 147. The dr came in and said "Shazam...you're perfect!" All your numbers and tests are good. I said but I gained weight. He said well most surgery patients get to a low weight and then there body goes up because it moves to where it is more comfortable. So I left feeling great thinking, ok phew...then I did not fail. I hadn't changed anything I was doing when I went from 135 to 147. I ate the same, worked out the same (which was always not enough food).
So again through this whole process, no mental help, no nutrition help...just oh good you ate less than 1,000 calories that you recorded on myfitness pal and your numbers are fine so go home now. Even though deep down I always felt like their was a missing piece. I may have been at a lower weight but I never felt satisfied. I always felt like if my food tracker was off, I was bad. If I didn't workout for the day I was bad. I always worked out though except some weeks took 1 day off.
Ahhhh!!! Literally this all was really driving me crazy. Tracking every morsel of food and feeling extremely guilty if I was over on any of my macros. Over exercising and feeling guilty if I didn't move.
Now I don't regret surgery at all. It's just not what I needed. I will now not recommend it to anyone.
I often feel like If I would not have had surgery maybe I wouldn't be "here" but I can't reverse it to know.
Now obviously there have been many many blessings and amazing things that have happened since surgery but I'm still working on lots of things.
In August of 2017 I finally had enough of my scale. I could not take one more day checking the number. So I shot my scale. Literally in one shot. In Oct of 2017 I went to a dr appointment, did not want to be weighed and ended up having them tell me I was 154. Again left feeling like a failure. I do remember leaving seeing a sign that said Now I can...and thought ...well now I can do so much more being down 150lbs but when I got home I went live in a Facebook group to share how my appointment went. I cried and said there still feels like there is a missing piece to my journey .
I now know the missing piece is my mental health. My mind is what needs help the most. I have started reading about Intuitive Eating and Health at Every Size. I have finally learned that diets do NOT work. Diets have been my problem. My weight going up and down is because of diets. I am not a failure. I did not fail diets. Diets failed me. You could not pay me at this point to try another diet.
During 2016 and 2017 I became so obsessed with workout programs and every single one of them had a different nutrition program...I mean seriously...How many flippen diets are out there, why are there so many, and why do we think the next one will finally be the one? and when are we all going to finally realize that diets don't work. That food is not good or bad. That I am not good or bad based on what I eat. Food is just food. Now of course if someone Is allergic to food then they shouldn't eat it. If you don't like cauliflower don't eat it. If you don't like donuts, dont eat them. But if you. like pizza eat the flippen pizza. You're not bad because you ate pizza. Why can't we just love ourselves the way we are. The way God made us.
Also I understand there are different nutrition benefits if you eat an apple as opposed to eating a candy apple jolly rancher and if you just ate pizza all day long you are probably not going to feel good.
So while I am now anti-diet... that does not mean I am anti-health.
I still want to move in ways that make me happy. I want to eat the foods that make me feel the best.
I am free from the scale. I want to be free from food tracking. Now I also want to get rid of my fitness trackers.
At this point I am not sure if I will run a race this year. Part of me thinks it may be best for me to take a break. I have literally felt way too stressed about all this that I feel I really need to focus on my mental health. Adding another race would probably just add extra stress thinking I HAVE to do it instead of just doing it because I enjoy it.
I'm crazy right?
Maybe partly...I also feel like I never want to go to the dr.
I do not want my weight brought up. I know as of today I am probably the heaviest I have been since surgery even though I don't know the number. I often wake up, look in the mirror and already feel defeated for the day because I must not be doing something right if I can't keep my weight to 135.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I've looked into counseling but our insurance hasn't been too helpful. I kind of feel stuck. I know I am starting to feel better and becoming more comfortable in my body though.
I am going to keep working on loving me just the way I am each day. I want to read God's word and remind myself I am his and He loves me no matter what I look like.
Josh loves me no matter what I look like. My girls love me. That is another hard part in this. I do not want my girls to have any of my issues!!!
Maybe you've never struggled with food
Maybe you've never struggled with body image
I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder or depression or anxiety but I would imagine I may have all 3. Or maybe disordered eating not an official eating disorder. I have had to remove myself from fitness groups, diet groups, surgery groups, I am not paying for workout programs or nutrition programs. I don't want to focus on before and after anymore. It will be what I am each day.
If you made it this far...I highly recommend reading Intuitive Eating and Health at Every Size. If you want to be a health coach... be a IE and HAES coach! I've even thought...maybe someday if I learn it all well enough maybe I could become an IE and HAES coach. I'd love to help people learn how to love themselves...sounds a bit crazy right...since I need to love myself...but it has been a thought.
So many people have been huge encouragement on my journey, have followed my journey, have supported me during my journey. I've also lost people on my journey including recently my first ever friend best friend. Which hurts a lot. I have to continue to pray.
I will add more and more about this but my thoughts are finally running out for now. My fingers are going numb.
I want to be free. If I want a salad I'll eat a salad. If I want pizza I'll eat pizza. If I want to run 11 miles or walk 1 mile. Etc... just doing what I want to do and not feel guilt or feel ashamed.
Mindset!!!!
I have so much to be thankful for and am blessed beyond measure. I need to get all this off my mind and just live life each day and choose to be happy. My size does not matter.
God is so Great. He has given me new friends and a new Church family. He opens doors when other close. Now I just pray I don't loose them too while I'm still working on all my struggles.
So much I feel like I forgot to say but for now
Much Love ♡♡♡
My Body & My Food Struggles
Before I start I have to say. This topic can often have many opinions. I of course am not a expert on any of this but it's just my experience or what I've learned recently. I'm a big fan of everyone doing whatever works for them. If your body & food journey is different than mine, that's ok. This is me.
This topic I feel like I have always struggled with but I am working on breaking myself free from these worries about my body and food. It has consumed way too much of my life. I just want to put God first and with His help and diving into His word, I know I can trust and be at peace that "every little thing is gonna be alright". He is with me always.
This will be long.
I've always been a girl in a bigger body. One thing that has always stuck out to me is my Grandpa used to always say...Hey, Big Girl! I always felt like since I was bigger that that was not a good thing. I was always shy and never had a lot of confidence or high self esteem. During my school years I don't really ever remember being bullied necessarily but with my twin being my best friend I didn't really have many friends. She was always smaller than me though so I think I always compared myself and thought she was favored because she was smaller.
I hate to use numbers but for a long time numbers have controlled my thoughts so I'm going to use them for this blog but by the end you'll see why I will no longer use numbers to define me.
When I was a freshman in high school I can remember going to the drs and was told I weighed 199. That stuck out to me for some reason and I remember thinking WOW! That's too much for a 9th grader. I also remember my sister was 150 so again compared. I don't really remember much before this age as far as my weight etc but during that summer I used to ride my bike back and forth to our neighbor's homes all day long. I felt like all I ate was butter noodles and bread. I lost some weight and thought, if I just don't eat anything and ride my bike all the time I'll become really skinny.
Now growing up I didn't really know a whole lot about nutrition necessarily, I just ate what my parents bought at the store and what my mom would make. My Dad only eats certain foods so my Mom only cooked what he would like. Occasionally she would make separate things if my Dad wanted something different. Pretty sure that is why to this day I do not cook because my Mom did it all.
I don't remember having a lot of thoughts about my body and food except I just considered myself fat and never really liked it. I would go to dr appointments and weight was always brought up. One time I even went for a cold and the dr said it was probably due to my weight.
Fast forward to 2008. By this time I had Abby in 2006 and Jasmine in 2007. I had my 1 year check up after having Jasmine. I got to my OBGYN appointment and my weight was 302.4lbs. I cried my entire appointment because I never expected to see that number but also all my doctor talked about was how I needed to loose weight. He said I should be 165lbs and he recommended medical weight loss or weight watchers. I checked into medical weight loss but that was expensive so I started weight watchers. I think I lost around 75 lbs during weight watchers but always stopped and started again so I don't remember how long that took me. I can remember though always thinking that all that mattered was the number on the scale. If I went over my points I was bad. If I gained weight that week it was because I ate too much pizza that week. I can remember it made food good or bad therefore depending on what I ate...I was good or bad.
I remember trying to restrict food groups. I can remember not eating anything on Monday weigh in days in hopes I would at least be less on the scale so that I'd be praised for being less instead of having to say well it must've been that pizza or not going to weigh in at all unless I was for sure I had lost weight. After restricting food all day I'd come home and have a huge plate of spaghetti but "it would be under my points" and then I'd feel like crap because I ate too much, too late.
So with all that up and down and losing and gaining again I thought that I was the problem. That I can not eat right. I can not exercise right. So I was a failure. Josh and I then decided maybe we should do medical weight loss because if weight watchers and other diets don't work then maybe with medical help - it'll do the trick. We started in 2012, paid a boat load of money and wasted it all because we ended up having to put it on hold because I found out I was pregnant with Josie. At the start of medical weight loss, I lost 20lbs Josh lost 40lbs but looking back the whole thing just really infuriates me. We literally got a sheet of paper that explained what we should eat. We would go home and do our best to eat exactly as the papers said. Felt horrible but if went to weigh in and we had lost weight we got to ring a bell. So every week we would drive 40 mins to ring a bell. We got zero guidance. Zero help. Zero support. Just... oh your number is down so ring the bell. The number was all that mattered.
So still thinking that I'm not good enough because I'm still too big Josh and I decided to pursue weight loss surgery. He had gastric sleeve surgery in 2014. I had gastric sleeve surgery in 2015.
I was 230 on the date of my surgery Oct 1st 2015.
I can remember thinking it was the only way I would ever be able to loose weight.
During my 6 months before surgery stuff I had to make sure I didn't loose any more weight otherwise I would not have qualified for surgery.
Not once in my entire life has any doctor recommended counseling or mental health care. During my surgery process there was absolutely zero "help" either. It was always about what the scale said. Can you see why numbers have always consumed me?
So one year after surgery on my birthday November 11th 2016 I went for a 11 mile run. I got home, stepped on the scale and was 135.2lbs. I felt so weak, so lightheaded, felt awful, took a hot bath...but I was on top of the world because I had just hit a weight I never thought I'd make. I would workout up to 2 hours a day with maybe 1 rest day. I hardly ate anything. But all that mattered was that stupid number. Then at a follow up appointment I was so scared to step on the scale because I knew for the first time since surgery I gained weight. I was 147. The dr came in and said "Shazam...you're perfect!" All your numbers and tests are good. I said but I gained weight. He said well most surgery patients get to a low weight and then there body goes up because it moves to where it is more comfortable. So I left feeling great thinking, ok phew...then I did not fail. I hadn't changed anything I was doing when I went from 135 to 147. I ate the same, worked out the same (which was always not enough food).
So again through this whole process, no mental help, no nutrition help...just oh good you ate less than 1,000 calories that you recorded on myfitness pal and your numbers are fine so go home now. Even though deep down I always felt like their was a missing piece. I may have been at a lower weight but I never felt satisfied. I always felt like if my food tracker was off, I was bad. If I didn't workout for the day I was bad. I always worked out though except some weeks took 1 day off.
Ahhhh!!! Literally this all was really driving me crazy. Tracking every morsel of food and feeling extremely guilty if I was over on any of my macros. Over exercising and feeling guilty if I didn't move.
Now I don't regret surgery at all. It's just not what I needed. I will now not recommend it to anyone.
I often feel like If I would not have had surgery maybe I wouldn't be "here" but I can't reverse it to know.
Now obviously there have been many many blessings and amazing things that have happened since surgery but I'm still working on lots of things.
In August of 2017 I finally had enough of my scale. I could not take one more day checking the number. So I shot my scale. Literally in one shot. In Oct of 2017 I went to a dr appointment, did not want to be weighed and ended up having them tell me I was 154. Again left feeling like a failure. I do remember leaving seeing a sign that said Now I can...and thought ...well now I can do so much more being down 150lbs but when I got home I went live in a Facebook group to share how my appointment went. I cried and said there still feels like there is a missing piece to my journey .
I now know the missing piece is my mental health. My mind is what needs help the most. I have started reading about Intuitive Eating and Health at Every Size. I have finally learned that diets do NOT work. Diets have been my problem. My weight going up and down is because of diets. I am not a failure. I did not fail diets. Diets failed me. You could not pay me at this point to try another diet.
During 2016 and 2017 I became so obsessed with workout programs and every single one of them had a different nutrition program...I mean seriously...How many flippen diets are out there, why are there so many, and why do we think the next one will finally be the one? and when are we all going to finally realize that diets don't work. That food is not good or bad. That I am not good or bad based on what I eat. Food is just food. Now of course if someone Is allergic to food then they shouldn't eat it. If you don't like cauliflower don't eat it. If you don't like donuts, dont eat them. But if you. like pizza eat the flippen pizza. You're not bad because you ate pizza. Why can't we just love ourselves the way we are. The way God made us.
Also I understand there are different nutrition benefits if you eat an apple as opposed to eating a candy apple jolly rancher and if you just ate pizza all day long you are probably not going to feel good.
So while I am now anti-diet... that does not mean I am anti-health.
I still want to move in ways that make me happy. I want to eat the foods that make me feel the best.
I am free from the scale. I want to be free from food tracking. Now I also want to get rid of my fitness trackers.
At this point I am not sure if I will run a race this year. Part of me thinks it may be best for me to take a break. I have literally felt way too stressed about all this that I feel I really need to focus on my mental health. Adding another race would probably just add extra stress thinking I HAVE to do it instead of just doing it because I enjoy it.
I'm crazy right?
Maybe partly...I also feel like I never want to go to the dr.
I do not want my weight brought up. I know as of today I am probably the heaviest I have been since surgery even though I don't know the number. I often wake up, look in the mirror and already feel defeated for the day because I must not be doing something right if I can't keep my weight to 135.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I've looked into counseling but our insurance hasn't been too helpful. I kind of feel stuck. I know I am starting to feel better and becoming more comfortable in my body though.
I am going to keep working on loving me just the way I am each day. I want to read God's word and remind myself I am his and He loves me no matter what I look like.
Josh loves me no matter what I look like. My girls love me. That is another hard part in this. I do not want my girls to have any of my issues!!!
Maybe you've never struggled with food
Maybe you've never struggled with body image
I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder or depression or anxiety but I would imagine I may have all 3. Or maybe disordered eating not an official eating disorder. I have had to remove myself from fitness groups, diet groups, surgery groups, I am not paying for workout programs or nutrition programs. I don't want to focus on before and after anymore. It will be what I am each day.
If you made it this far...I highly recommend reading Intuitive Eating and Health at Every Size. If you want to be a health coach... be a IE and HAES coach! I've even thought...maybe someday if I learn it all well enough maybe I could become an IE and HAES coach. I'd love to help people learn how to love themselves...sounds a bit crazy right...since I need to love myself...but it has been a thought.
So many people have been huge encouragement on my journey, have followed my journey, have supported me during my journey. I've also lost people on my journey including recently my first ever friend best friend. Which hurts a lot. I have to continue to pray.
I will add more and more about this but my thoughts are finally running out for now. My fingers are going numb.
I want to be free. If I want a salad I'll eat a salad. If I want pizza I'll eat pizza. If I want to run 11 miles or walk 1 mile. Etc... just doing what I want to do and not feel guilt or feel ashamed.
Mindset!!!!
I have so much to be thankful for and am blessed beyond measure. I need to get all this off my mind and just live life each day and choose to be happy. My size does not matter.
God is so Great. He has given me new friends and a new Church family. He opens doors when other close. Now I just pray I don't loose them too while I'm still working on all my struggles.
So much I feel like I forgot to say but for now
Much Love ♡♡♡
Saturday, January 19, 2019
Allow me to introduce myself!
Hey! It's ME. Amanda. Allow me to introduce myself!
I have many new friends and followers so I'm starting here.
First and most important I am a child and daughter of an amazing and loving God. Which is the only thing that matters. He has blessed me tremendously and so much more than I deserve but until He calls me home and OH! How I can only imagine how that day will be!!! I'll just be here trying to live my best life and... if you have clicked on my blog to read my thoughts you may learn something new about me along the way.
I always say I have a hard time expressing my thoughts or I type them all out and then remember about a million other things I wish I would have said or forgot to say. I may have long blogs but I hope you'll stick with me. My thoughts may often be all over the place. Maybe you'll think I'm crazy. My hope is that by recording my thoughts, maybe they'll help someone else. Much of what I'm going to type about are things I really wish I would have learned a long time ago.
God gave me the best husband in the universe. His name is Josh. We will be celebrating our 15 year Anniversary in May. He loves me unconditionally even when I am so not lovable. We have 3 incredibly precious and beautiful daughters. Abigail (Abby) is 12. Jasmine is 11. Josie is 5. I often feel like a horrible Momma but I hope they know I love them with all my heart. We also have a Chi-Tzu named Jinger. I am her favorite. HEHE. She is 3 and we just got 3 little birds named Petey, Marley, and Fancey in December. They are still a little young so we're not sure if they are male or female. We currently live in Bailey, MI. Our daughters go to Kent City Schools and we have attended Ravenna Baptist Church since August of 2018. I will have more about our Church in upcoming blog posts.
Blog Title: Worth of Love to Infinity...
My name means: Worthy of Love and well I just love that. I love love. I feel like I love big. I often feel like I love too much sometimes...is that a thing? My problem is, I've never loved myself. I'm still trying to figure out why. I love my family. I love the friends I do have. I love sunrises and sunsets. I love birds. I love Jinger. I love the color purple. I love Eeyore. I love traveling. I love walking. I sometimes love running. I love Zumba. I love hearts. I love Reeses, white chocolate, raspberry chocolate chip ice cream, anything raspberry chocolate. I love raspberry lemonade. I love pineapple on my pizza. I love Norwex. I don't remember when I started telling Josh and my girlies that I love them infinity but that's what the to infinity is for. I've also said I love you to infinity to extended family and friends and if I have said that to you...I mean it.
I clean 16 homes at the moment and do all chemical free cleaning with Norwex. Someday I would love to work from home doing something. I really hope that something is sooner than later. ;)
I worry too much. I overthink too much. I create problems in my mind. I make mistakes. I have lost friends and even some family won't talk to me. I am sure I would benefit from professional counseling but it is just not in our budget at the moment. I probably would be diagnosed with depression or anxiety or both? The hardest part for me to understand though is because I love people so much...how can they just "throw me away" ? Like, if I could just explain my thoughts well enough they may understand and change their minds? Thankfully God knows my name, knows my every thought, He sees each tear that falls, and He hears me when I call.
The main thing on my mind right now that I really have wanted to share is my food and body journey that has really consumed most of my days. I have learned many new things that I wish I would have learned a lot sooner. I am going to write about all this in my upcoming blogs. It has often been a big struggle for me but my word for 2019 is TRUST. I want to put my complete trust in God to know that no matter what I look like each day, no matter what size I am, and no matter what anyone else thinks... every little thing is gonna be alright!
I feel completely different than the person I was in 2008, in 2015, 2018, etc. Seasons change, people change, bodies change, but God's love remains the same. Thankful I can turn to Him 24/7. I need Him every minute.
I will stop here for now...but know there is lots to come so I hope you'll stick around.
Praying for an amazing 2019 even though lots of things feel so different.
Much Love
Amanda
I have many new friends and followers so I'm starting here.
First and most important I am a child and daughter of an amazing and loving God. Which is the only thing that matters. He has blessed me tremendously and so much more than I deserve but until He calls me home and OH! How I can only imagine how that day will be!!! I'll just be here trying to live my best life and... if you have clicked on my blog to read my thoughts you may learn something new about me along the way.
I always say I have a hard time expressing my thoughts or I type them all out and then remember about a million other things I wish I would have said or forgot to say. I may have long blogs but I hope you'll stick with me. My thoughts may often be all over the place. Maybe you'll think I'm crazy. My hope is that by recording my thoughts, maybe they'll help someone else. Much of what I'm going to type about are things I really wish I would have learned a long time ago.
God gave me the best husband in the universe. His name is Josh. We will be celebrating our 15 year Anniversary in May. He loves me unconditionally even when I am so not lovable. We have 3 incredibly precious and beautiful daughters. Abigail (Abby) is 12. Jasmine is 11. Josie is 5. I often feel like a horrible Momma but I hope they know I love them with all my heart. We also have a Chi-Tzu named Jinger. I am her favorite. HEHE. She is 3 and we just got 3 little birds named Petey, Marley, and Fancey in December. They are still a little young so we're not sure if they are male or female. We currently live in Bailey, MI. Our daughters go to Kent City Schools and we have attended Ravenna Baptist Church since August of 2018. I will have more about our Church in upcoming blog posts.
Blog Title: Worth of Love to Infinity...
My name means: Worthy of Love and well I just love that. I love love. I feel like I love big. I often feel like I love too much sometimes...is that a thing? My problem is, I've never loved myself. I'm still trying to figure out why. I love my family. I love the friends I do have. I love sunrises and sunsets. I love birds. I love Jinger. I love the color purple. I love Eeyore. I love traveling. I love walking. I sometimes love running. I love Zumba. I love hearts. I love Reeses, white chocolate, raspberry chocolate chip ice cream, anything raspberry chocolate. I love raspberry lemonade. I love pineapple on my pizza. I love Norwex. I don't remember when I started telling Josh and my girlies that I love them infinity but that's what the to infinity is for. I've also said I love you to infinity to extended family and friends and if I have said that to you...I mean it.
I clean 16 homes at the moment and do all chemical free cleaning with Norwex. Someday I would love to work from home doing something. I really hope that something is sooner than later. ;)
I worry too much. I overthink too much. I create problems in my mind. I make mistakes. I have lost friends and even some family won't talk to me. I am sure I would benefit from professional counseling but it is just not in our budget at the moment. I probably would be diagnosed with depression or anxiety or both? The hardest part for me to understand though is because I love people so much...how can they just "throw me away" ? Like, if I could just explain my thoughts well enough they may understand and change their minds? Thankfully God knows my name, knows my every thought, He sees each tear that falls, and He hears me when I call.
The main thing on my mind right now that I really have wanted to share is my food and body journey that has really consumed most of my days. I have learned many new things that I wish I would have learned a lot sooner. I am going to write about all this in my upcoming blogs. It has often been a big struggle for me but my word for 2019 is TRUST. I want to put my complete trust in God to know that no matter what I look like each day, no matter what size I am, and no matter what anyone else thinks... every little thing is gonna be alright!
I feel completely different than the person I was in 2008, in 2015, 2018, etc. Seasons change, people change, bodies change, but God's love remains the same. Thankful I can turn to Him 24/7. I need Him every minute.
I will stop here for now...but know there is lots to come so I hope you'll stick around.
Praying for an amazing 2019 even though lots of things feel so different.
Much Love
Amanda
New Year
It's a new year and I feel like a completely different ME.
I updated my old blog a touch and am hoping to add more posts.
Not sure how often but my goal would be at least once a week.
I haven't posted a blog since 2016!
I want it to be me... real, open, honest, ME.
There will always be differing opinions, etc but that's ok
"Not everyone will understand my journey, and that's ok, those that are meant to walk it with me will, and that's all that matters!"
Hoping to re-introduce myself very soon ♡
Much Love
*if you ever read my blog, post a comment. ♡
I updated my old blog a touch and am hoping to add more posts.
Not sure how often but my goal would be at least once a week.
I haven't posted a blog since 2016!
I want it to be me... real, open, honest, ME.
There will always be differing opinions, etc but that's ok
"Not everyone will understand my journey, and that's ok, those that are meant to walk it with me will, and that's all that matters!"
Hoping to re-introduce myself very soon ♡
Much Love
*if you ever read my blog, post a comment. ♡
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