Thinking Problem

So here I sit in my bed like most nights - Josh and my girlies are sound asleep and I'm wide awake because my brain won't shut off. It drives me nuts but it seems like no matter how much I try to just shut it off - nothing works! I wanted to type out a blog because sometimes that helps me clear my head just a touch.

I just want to be real.

I've been told many times to pray - I know I've fallen asleep praying before but then I feel like I'm not praying right or that I shouldn't fall asleep while praying. Silly right?! I know that's how crazy my mind is sometimes.

Tonight after eating too much pizza I was complaining to Josh for umpteenth time that I hate my weight. Of course he always says I'm beautiful and sexy and wishes I wouldn't care so much. I love that he loves me the way that I am but truth is - I HATE my body - absolutely HATE it. I need to eat more healthy. Then I think instead of making stupid excuses or hating it - DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT then!! Easier said than done! Sometimes we joke around with my Mom and say - God must just want us to be fat. No I don't think I'll ever be skinny, nor do I want to be "skinny". I just don't like being this heavy. I bought a pair of pants at a garage sale and they wouldn't even zip or button. Then I said - oh it's because it's a different brand...which it could be made differently but seriously? Um! No.

One time doing WW I lost 68lbs then MWL I lost 30 to get back to the lowest when I had lost the 68. Now I've still got 30+ to get back to my lowest and I haven't been doing anything to get there. Plus my lowest isn't even a healthy weight either. I've been eating whatever I want and not exercising. Although I do clean homes at least 3 times a week for 3 hours each time. Which most of the time includes mopping on my hands and knees. So technically I'm not just sitting on my butt everyday BUT still.

All of these random thoughts cross my mind daily...

I hate my weight, I hate my body!
Hopefully I will be able to breastfeed for a long time, hopefully my milk won't dry up!
I don't pray enough!
I don't go to church enough or read my bible enough!
Am I depressed?
Do I need help?
Is he / she mad at me?
Why did this or that happen?
Do they like the way I cleaned ?
Am I a bad Mom?
Am I a bad Wife?
Wish I could express my feelings better!
Wish I could do what they do / be like they are!
What do people think about me?
What If I should be doing something different?
Am I doing what I should be doing?
Will I ever see certain people again?
Do other people think about me as much as I think about them?
Why this / why that? (ONLY GOD KNOWS)

WHY do these things have to always run through my mind when I'm trying to sleep? Is it because everything is quiet?

I've also tried to take more breaks from Facebook because it does really create more drama in my head than I need. I'm always over thinking everything I read. Also tonight after seeing a video about a girl getting in  an accident from texting while driving.... I would love to just throw my phone away. I think I'm going to also make a new rule that if I'm driving my phone is going to sit in the back of the van so I don't touch it. I'm guilty of checking my phone while driving. I have way too much precious cargo in my van when I'm driving.

I also (kinda) wish my blog was public again just so (maybe) more people would read it.

This blog sounds so negative and it makes me sad. I don't want to feel sad / depressed / and keep thinking all these negative thoughts. I am so blessed and have everything I want / need so I don't know why I'm like this.

It's just like a never ending cycle.

BUT

God loves me
Josh loves me
Abby loves me
Jasmine loves me
Josie loves me
and a few others ;)

That's all that should matter.

PLUS If I wasn't so negative and thought more positively I'm sure my attitude would change and I'd be a lot happier.

and it's not that I'm NOT happy - just wish this side of me wasn't 'part of me'.

Then I wouldn't be ME right?! I don't know.

I am extremely happy that I have a wonderful loving family and I love cleaning for people. Most of all I love being more of a full time MOM!

I don't want to go back to what I was doing!!  So much of my past is always on my mind and I just want to think about the present and the future and forget all that!

<3 Much love to my readers <3


Plus then I think get over it Amanda - there are some people out there who go through a lot worse than you do and yet here you sit complaining about pitty little things. Hate that about me too.