Hey! It's been a while since I've written a blog. Some times I feel like I can write out a whole story and then forget 11 things or just want to delete it.
I suppose I don't need to even share one but it definitely helps me get it all out. I like to be real and open because I am not one of those who only likes to post highlights on social media, etc. My hope is that if I share my story... that'll it help someone.
Some may know my story but here is a little refresh for any newbies.
"Not everyone will understand my journey and that's ok. Those that are meant to walk it with me will, and that's all that matters"
(I'm also not a professional or a Dr etc and these are just my thoughts and opinions. I just ask that you... Just be kind...if you would like to reply. Thank you.)
(That quote is a one I shared in October of 2015 when I had my gastric sleeve weight loss surgery).
I have to repeat that often.
Y'all... I want to look like love. Period.
Like if I were to die tomorrow I'd want people to say... She was so loving and just loved people! She had a huge heart. The end. I want to look like God's love. I want to learn more about what God's love is and know that only what He thinks of me is what matters. I am worthy of love just because I am me. No matter what I look like each day.
Honestly, for far too long I've let society "mess me up". I'm working on trying to find myself.
Almost my entire life I've been told I need to change the way I look. So my journey to change the way I look makes sense. When I think back it just really crushes me though. Like to my core. It just hurts. I literally had half of my stomach removed in order to feel like society says I'm ok. Even though I was always healthy. Some of the things I know now... If only I could have known before and maybe today would be different?
Except I can't change the past. I can only put one foot in front of the other and keep learning.
Do I regret surgery? No
Do I think surgery is what I needed? No
If I would have known what I know now would I have had surgery? No
Do I recommend surgery? Absolutely Not!
Does anyone need surgery? No
I wish I would have had Drs who cared about (me) rather than just a number on a scale.
Society bases health on your size. So sad.
When I was my smallest size I was praised and received so many compliments and because of that praise I thought I had to keep going. I thought I had to keep getting even smaller. It led me down a scary path of disordered eating and excessive / obsessive food and exercise "stuff".
I tracked every bite. I felt guilty for everything I ate. I worked out over 2 hours a day. My mind was on a one way track to just lose weight to feel accepted. I don't think I ever ate over 1200 calories. I rarely had rest days. I thought this was healthy because I was doing what I was told to do.
As long as the scale was down...it didn't matter what I was doing to get there.
I shot my scale in August of 2017 because I finally realized I don't need it.
I still don't know what I weigh now and don't plan to ever know it again.
I didn't stay at my lowest size and when my weight kept increasing (clothing size) I thought I was a failure. But I've learned about set point weight... We all have it. My body was not meant to be at 135lbs. Of course if I wanted to starve myself and keep working out 2 hours a day... maybe. That's not a life! Again I have no clue what I weigh now but I feel like I'm probably close to pre surgery weight? Society would say... Wow she has really let herself go. She just eats like crap and is lazy. If she just did this she would insert whatever here.
Nope! That's all toxic diet culture crap talk.
I am proud to say I feel like I've finally fallen into the diet culture drop out category. I'd love everyone to join me.
I am so thankful I have found information about intuitive eating, health at every size, Un-Diet, body love, etc. It has literally saved my life.
I eat what makes me feel best but still learning. I don't restrict any foods. I don't track what I eat. I eat all kinds of foods.
But eating isn't the same. I don't often have hunger cues since surgery. I can't drink when I eat. Or if I feel really hungry I can't eat "normal" portions. My stomach always growls. Portion size has never really been my problem. I think my problem has always been that I've never eaten enough ... But that's overlooked because of the scale. I don't feel as guilty for my food choices anymore. Food is just food. It's not good or bad. Food is not moral. I agree that some people have to eat a certain way for medical reasons but unless there is something I don't know... I don't have anything medically wrong with me that would make me need to restrict certain foods. Restriction just makes it all worse.
With surgery we're told our main goal should be protein first, etc. I know for sure I need more protein.
Yes... I've had some counseling. I just haven't found the right fit yet.
Yes... I also take an antidepressant (since Nov 2019). It definitely has helped. It's hard taking a pill when it seems like mental health issues are also not very well taken care of. I even at one point at a Drs appointment wrote on a questionnaire that I've considered committing suicide and no one even said a word.
Exercise... I've had seasons where I didn't do any specific kind of exercise. I've had seasons where I walked and biked a lot. I've had seasons where I've trained for half marathons. At one point it became obsessive though. Like all I thought about all day was what exercise and what food. I was away from my family way too much. There were days I'd cry because I "had to" do a workout. I started to feel guilty if I had a rest day. Crazy.
Now... I still have days where I feel guilty but I'm working on that. I want to move in ways I enjoy and have rest days. I want to move because I want to move not because I have to.
I'm pretty sure I was put on this earth to do more than just focus on weight loss, food, exercise, and my body?
There is more to me than that!
Still trying to find my purpose.
I do not want my daughter's to be trapped in diet culture. So I'm working on me so they don't have to go through what I did.
One of my daughters has already had a few break down days and was balling one day because she doesn't like the way she looks. This just absolutely breaks my heart. This diet culture crap has to end with me so it doesn't effect them and their kids etc.
It's hard finding the balance. It's hard having teenage girls. Societies pressures are just ridiculous.
I've also lost friends during this journey. I've made new amazing ones too. Gotten some back (kind of). It's been up and down as well. Friendship is sometimes hard for me because I want everyone to love me. I think they should love me as much as I love them and that just isn't going to be the case. I have some unanswered questions that may never be answered and I have to accept that. Pretty sure if someone hated me I'd still love them.
So anyway friends. Maybe you're annoyed about my anti diet posts? Maybe this doesn't make sense? I just can no longer live a life trying to shrink myself. Losing weight doesn't always mean it's healthy. I'm also not saying you can't lose weight or that weight loss is bad...it's just that you really need to dig down and see if the things you're doing are truly healthy. What I've learned is that you just can't be in the pursuit of weight loss. If it happens it happens but 95% of people who lose weight while dieting gain it all back plus some and dieting is just not healthy for your body.
I totally believe that if I would have came across intuitive eating, Heath at every size, etc at a way younger age...I may have been a steady weight...and wouldn't have put my body through so much torture and so many ups and downs. If we can accept that some people are just naturally thin...why can't we just accept that some people are naturally fat?
There IS health at every size!!!
There are way more important things to focus on than our size.
I'm here, healthy at this size. I feel amazing and so much happier and more confident than I've ever felt. Some may not agree. If that's you... You may want to check into fatphobia and weight stigma. I also highly recommend reading intuitive eating and health at every size. Body respect is also one I need to continue to read.
So if you made it this far. Thank you. Hopefully this gives you a little background into why I am me. My struggles.
Thankful for those who are still walking with me on this journey. It has not been easy. I am extremely blessed and God has given me way more than I deserve.
I want to dive into God's word more and focus on what He wants me to be.
And lose the weight of what I think the world wants me to be.
4:04pm
Much love to Infinity!!!
Amanda Miller
