What's your secret?

 What's your secret? 

First I want to do a family update and the title I'll explain later.  

Josh: Back in March / April Josh was sick and had went to some Dr appointments and had a couple online chats. He had shortness of breath and had a hard time breathing. Had an occasional cough and just felt blah. He was even sent to the ER because his blood work results showed high white blood cell counts. We had to assume he had COVID even though he could not be tested at the time. I kind of even forgot at this moment what the other Dr said but we really did not have any answers so he had to take the month of April off work in case he had the virus. So he was able to rest it off. Whatever it was. God definitely provided during that time because I was off work as well. 

Josh was also supposed to start school at Cornerstone University but it got pushed to online only. I'm missing a few details in here but long story short he started online school and started a new job on the same day in June. 

The new job kind of just plopped in his lap and he didn't want to pass it up. He now works at Greenmark Industries in their parts department and does online schooling every Monday (with homework during the week). He works Mon-Friday 7-5 with occasional Saturdays. He is really enjoying his job and school and I'm extremely proud of him. I really don't know how he does it. Works all day and night and still takes care of his family. Feeling truly blessed to have such an amazing best friend to do life with. He got an 94 % which is an A- in his last class and I give him a hard time saying he's a failure cause I mean an A... Pfffttt. 😂

When he first started school it felt a little tough because I felt like we barely got to talk or be together but since it's been a few months we've gotten into the swing of it and all is good. He is going to school for a psychology degree. He'd love to have a career where he is able to do something with children. For example...working with an orphanage or a place to place children into foster homes, etc. He would be amazing with any type of job where kids are involved. 

In his rare free time you can find him watching his favorite TV shows, helping the girls with their homework, smoking meats in his smoker, or just plain trying to relax. We're anxious to get in some more camping trips with our new camper. 

Praying he continues to enjoy his job and school and that he'll have minimal stress to get through it all. 

Extremely thankful for every thing he does for us. Couldn't ask for a better Daddy. 

Abby (14): Abby just started 9th grade at Ravenna High School. I can not believe we already have a high schooler. She's been enjoying babysitting during the summer. She's amazing with kids. She still plays the clarinet but band looks very different this year. She also wanted to be in Cheer but that stopped once it was announced that there was no fall football. She is always and I mean ALWAYS singing, listening to music, playing her ukulele, chatting with friends, or hanging out in her room. Right now she's on a Shakira and Dolly Parton kick (lol). She's went on many sMiles with me and we even did a 5k run together. I love that so much. School looks very different this year but so far she's enjoying it and hasn't had any complaints. Praying she has a full year and can eventually be in Cheer and also band could go back to normal. Love her happy go lucky, loving, go with the flow, giggly, sometimes grumpy attitude. Wouldn't change her for the universe. 

Jasmine (12): Jasmine is now an 8th grader at Ravenna Middle School. She is our Miss Detail and is usually my go to cleaning buddy. She's also earned some money this summer but rather than babysit which isn't exactly her thing... she's mowed for my parents, weed whipped, and I pay her too. I keep telling her she could eventually be my assistant but not sure she'll take me up on that. She's very independent, chats with her friends, does not ever want her picture taken, gets all her homework done pretty quickly, and has her own little style / world she lives in. With her tik tok moves and sayings etc. She's kind of had some boy drama...it totally bring me back to high school days... except she's only middle school. I do remember liking boys in middle school too I suppose. 😂

I've been really trying hard to break the diet culture cycle because I don't want my girls to go down my path. Some things I'm keeping an eye on and praying all will be ok.  Love her miss detail, black and white, caring, know it all, determined, stubborn, silly, attitude. Wouldn't change her for the universe.  

Josie (7): She is a 2nd grader at Ravenna Beechnau Elementary. She was also supposed to be in Cheer and was super excited but as I said...with no football = no cheer. Thankfully her coach has started doing practices just for fun. She's been excited about that and it'll be great to keep her learning until she can cheer hopefully in the spring. Josie is the sweetest girl you'll ever meet!!! It broke my heart one day after practice. Another girl said... "6ft fat girl"! (Meaning move 6 ft away from me fat girl!) I was told by the next practice the Mom was going to have her daughter apologize but the next practice had been cancelled. 

Now I understand fat is used as a descriptor and we know doesn't mean you're bad. But usually it's said in a negative way and it hurt her feelings. I said that it helps to have a teachable moment but at the same time there are just so many things I wish were never even an issue. Josie enjoys playing on our phones, coloring, swimming, jumping on the trampoline, making slime, and bugging Jinger. Just love her sweetness, her heart, that she's sensitive, her laugh, her smile, with a little bit of pestering thrown in. Wouldn't change her for the universe.

Jinger: Our 4 year Chihuahua. She is a Shih tzu/Chihuahua mix. She will be 5 in October. She never leaves my side and I absolutely love her so so much. She loves me through everything and is always happy to see me when I get home. I'm her favorite. ;) She loves to pick up the girls from school and always wants to go with us in the car. Sometimes we have to put her in the car to grab her if she needs to go downstairs for when we're away. She's so little but keeps me warm. She sleeps with the girls at night though. Otherwise she takes the whole bed. She does not like thunder, lightning, gun shots, fire pops, some men. Lol. She's been doing much better with strangers but prefers girls. (can't imagine why). She likes good girl treats and loves peanut m&ms. I hope she lives to be 100. It'll be way hard the day we lose her. 

Love my family INFINITY! ♾️

Ok, so can I skip me? Did you even make it this far? Where do I even start? 

I am still cleaning homes. Right now my schedule is 2 homes each day on Monday, Tues, and Thurs. I have Wednesdays off to be home with the girls for remote school and then I have FriYAY off to have a day for myself. I am also still a team coordinator with Norwex and it has been such a blessing. It always provides extra income and it helped a ton  during the days I was off because of covid. (85 days) I'm hoping to also continue to sub at Ravenna Schools. I try to get in as many #sMiles as I can. Walking or running or biking. I occasionally fit in strength workouts. Lately I've enjoyed sleeping in. I still love sunrises and sunsets. My main hobby is scrolling through social media. I totally need new hobbies. I do have 2 penpals which has been great. I also started a Ravenna Walking Group that I'm excited about. Oh! & I am now the Ravenna Band Boosters Secretary. Praying someday I'll be able to work from home doing something. 

More as I continue below...

SO...the title...

What's your secret? 

The other day I was scrolling through Facebook and someone had posted a before and after picture of themselves. No caption, just 2 face shots. First person to comment said ... "Looking good! What's your secret?" Then there were more comments to follow that she now looks amazing, etc, etc, etc. 

It totally triggered all my emotions, brought back memories, and I immediately just wanted to scream at the roof tops...so she wasn't looking good or amazing before? Her face is smaller on the right so now she's better? 

Most of you reading this may already know my story. I have posted many blogs. I've shared lots on social media, etc. You could even go back to some of my previous blogs if you want. I just wish some of the things I've learned, I would have known so much sooner. So many things I wish I could redo but that's not how life works. 

Oct 1st 2020 will be 5 years since my gastric sleeve weight loss surgery. It's been for sure an up and down journey. Do I 100% regret weight loss surgery. NO.

Do I/ Will I recommend WLS? NO. 

When I first started posting pictures of my weight loss I got the same comments. Wow! What's your secret?  Looking good! Etc, etc, etc

Some may have known that I had surgery but not too many knew exactly what I was going through to lose the weight. 

(The person above also had weight loss surgery.) So I can imagine maybe some of what she may be feeling?!

At first I was ecstatic. I felt loved. But after a while I wasn't feeling well at all mentally or physically. I couldn't understand how I could continue life "doing what I was doing" ...but because of what people saw on the outside... "I'm amazing"?! I was literally going crazy and didn't know what to do. 

I was terrified to gain weight. At one of my last "after surgery" appointments in 2017 I remember coming home and recording a video about my visit. I cried and said I felt like there was a missing piece and at that point hadn't found it yet. I had gained weight since the last visit (when my Dr told me I was perfect) and I was doing everything "right" except I was still gaining weight. I was so hard on myself.

Well I think I've finally found my missing piece(s).  

LOVING MYSELF / RESPECTING MYSELF!

HEALTH AT EVERY SIZE!

INTUITIVE EATING!

SELF ACCEPTANCE!

Ditching Diet Culture!

Realizing I was never a problem!

So here I am almost 5 years out. I no longer own a scale after I shot it in 2017. I have no clue what my weight is and hope to never know again. My focus will never be about my size again. Anyone who looks at me now can clearly see I've gained weight. I also don't get much social media attention like I use to. Some days it makes me sad. Other days... I can see that because we live in such a fatphobic society..it makes sense my weight gain would not be celebrated. 

But I want to celebrate because this is the best I've felt in a long time. I would dare say the best I've felt in over 10-12 years. My new depression meds since Nov 2019 (could be part of my weight gain) don't really allow me to cry but as I am typing this ...I'm actually in tears. 

Seriously y'all! Living my best life and feel amazing and feel so much more confident. I feel so much better mentally and physically. I've learned about set point weight and the more we push our bodies outside of that set point..the more damage we can cause. We can focus on health without focusing on weight loss. 

My goal - wellness without the obsession. 

I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder but I'm sure I had some form of disordered eating. Weight Watchers in 2008 started it and my surgery enhanced it. I was taught foods were good or bad. (Why did my brain not say...um? Foods are not moral!) 

When I got to my lowest weight ever I was hardly eating. I tracked every bite of food. I was obsessed with exercise. I rarely felt like I spent time with my family and my thoughts were consumed with food and exercise. I didn't do house work. The list goes on.  I always felt weak, light headed, blah. I don't know how I ran 2 half marathons with zero nutrition.  I was praised for all this behavior just because most only saw what I looked like on the outside. I kept thinking how do I continue to live like this? This is what my life has to be? 

So ... What was my secret? Starving, over exercising, cutting half of my completely healthy stomach out. Part of my stomach that I can never get back.

Over eating has never been my problem. Not eating enough was /is still my problem. 

The biggest problem!!! Diets and our fatphobic society. So many of us have our diet culture sunglasses on and just can't see through them. I get it I was there. 

BUT... I ran into health at every size, Un-Diet, intuitive eating and I ripped my diet culture sunglasses off and I can finally see clearly now. I am a toxic diet culture drop out and it feels incredible. 

I've lost and gained friends through this whole journey. It's truly pointed out true friendships. 

I've had many lows but also many highs. 

Without my surgery I'm not sure I would have ever ripped off the diet culture sunglasses and I would have continued to be miserable. 

I'm not meant to be 135lbs 

THIS IS THE WAY GOD MADE ME! 

This body has gotten me through amazing things and I'm tired of putting it down. It was never wrong or bad to begin with. 

It is so much easier to focus on health when I'm not worried about my size. When I'm not worried about a number. When I'm not consumed with food and exercise thoughts. 

I can eat what makes me feel the best.

I can move in ways that make me feel good.

I can rest when I want to rest. 

I can eat something and move on and not think about food all day. 

I can skip a workout and not feel like it's the end of the world or that I'm going to gain 5 lbs for skipping a day. 

I can go to the Drs office and they can try and help my issues without blaming it on my size. 

I am thankful for what I'm learning so I can hopefully break this cycle so my girlies do not have to go through this. 

We are so much more than our bodies and I wish the world didn't just celebrate weight loss. You never know what someone is going through so we should never comment on someone's body or looks or size. 

We have more important things to talk about. We have more important things about us we can get to know. 

These covid times are hard. Life is hard. I'm not making mine any harder any longer by continuing to focus on my size.

I want to focus on the most important things. Things that matter. 

I want to focus on praying more.

I want to focus on reading my Bible more. 

I want to focus on my marriage. 

I want to focus on my girlies. 

Diets don't work my friends. 

Highly recommend checking out 

Intuitive eating and health at every size. 

Always so much more I'm sure my brain could spew out and I'm sure I'm forgetting half of what I originally wanted to say. 

If you made it this far. Thank you. 

Praying I can forget about the friendships I've lost and continue to learn and be better. Thankful Josh and my family love me unconditionally. 

Much love friends! 

Maybe someday I could be a HAES or IE coach? Maybe someday some one will say..

because of you I ...(insert) 

because of you I took off my diet culture sunglasses. 

because of you I smile more. 

Amanda Miller

Just be Kind.

July 24th 2:35pm

Hey! It's been a while since I've written a blog. Some times I feel like I can write out a whole story and then forget 11 things or just want to delete it. 

I suppose I don't need to even share one but it definitely helps me get it all out. I like to be real and open because I am not one of those who only likes to post highlights on social media, etc. My hope is that if I share my story... that'll it help someone. 

Some may know my story but here is a little refresh for any newbies. 

"Not everyone will understand my journey and that's ok. Those that are meant to walk it with me will, and that's all that matters" 

(I'm also not a professional or a Dr etc and these are just my thoughts and opinions. I just ask that you... Just be kind...if you would like to reply. Thank you.)

(That quote is a one I shared in October of 2015 when I had my gastric sleeve weight loss surgery). 

I have to repeat that often. 

Y'all... I want to look like love. Period. 

Like if I were to die tomorrow I'd want people to say... She was so loving and just loved people! She had a huge heart. The end. I want to look like God's love. I want to learn more about what God's love is and know that only what He thinks of me is what matters. I am worthy of love just because I am me. No matter what I look like each day. 

Honestly, for far too long I've let society "mess me up". I'm working on trying to find myself. 

Almost my entire life I've been told I need to change the way I look. So my journey to change the way I look makes sense. When I think back it just really crushes me though. Like to my core. It just hurts. I literally had half of my stomach removed in order to feel like society says I'm ok. Even though I was always healthy. Some of the things I know now... If only I could have known before and maybe today would be different? 

Except I can't change the past. I can only put one foot in front of the other and keep learning. 

Do I regret surgery? No

Do I think surgery is what I needed? No

If I would have known what I know now would I have had surgery? No 

Do I recommend surgery? Absolutely Not!

Does anyone need surgery? No  

I wish I would have had Drs who cared about (me) rather than just a number on a scale. 

Society bases health on your size. So sad. 

When I was my smallest size I was praised and received so many compliments and because of that praise I thought I had to keep going. I thought I had to keep getting even smaller. It led me down a scary path of disordered eating and excessive / obsessive food and exercise  "stuff". 

I tracked every bite. I felt guilty for everything I ate. I worked out over 2 hours a day. My mind was on a one way track to just lose weight to feel accepted. I don't think I ever ate over 1200 calories. I rarely had rest days. I thought this was healthy because I was doing what I was told to do.

As long as the scale was down...it didn't matter what I was doing to get there.  

I shot my scale in August of 2017 because I finally realized I don't need it. 

I still don't know what I weigh now and don't plan to ever know it again. 

I didn't stay at my lowest size and when my weight kept increasing (clothing size) I thought I was a failure. But I've learned about set point weight... We all have it. My body was not meant to be at 135lbs. Of course if I wanted to starve myself and keep working out 2 hours a day... maybe. That's not a life! Again I have no clue what I weigh now but I feel like I'm probably close to pre surgery weight? Society would say... Wow she has really let herself go. She just eats like crap and is lazy. If she just did this she would insert whatever here. 

Nope! That's all toxic diet culture crap talk. 

I am proud to say I feel like I've finally fallen into the diet culture drop out category. I'd love everyone to join me.  

I am so thankful I have found information about intuitive eating, health at every size, Un-Diet, body love, etc. It has literally saved my life. 

I eat what makes me feel best but still learning. I don't restrict any foods. I don't track what I eat. I eat all kinds of foods. 

But eating isn't the same. I don't often have hunger cues since surgery. I can't drink when I eat. Or if I feel really hungry I can't eat "normal" portions. My stomach always growls. Portion size has never really been my problem. I think my problem has always been that I've never eaten enough ... But that's overlooked because of the scale. I don't feel as guilty for my food choices anymore. Food is just food. It's not good or bad. Food is not moral. I agree that some people have to eat a certain way for medical reasons but unless there is something I don't know... I don't have anything medically wrong with me that would make me need to restrict certain foods. Restriction just makes it all worse.

With surgery we're told our main goal should be protein first, etc. I know for sure I need more protein.  

Yes... I've had some counseling. I just haven't found the right fit yet. 

Yes... I also take an antidepressant (since Nov 2019). It definitely has helped. It's hard taking a pill when it seems like mental health issues are also not very well taken care of. I even at one point at a Drs appointment wrote on a questionnaire that I've considered committing suicide and no one even said a word. 

Exercise... I've had seasons where I didn't do any specific kind of exercise. I've had seasons where I walked and biked a lot. I've had seasons where I've trained for half marathons. At one point it became obsessive though. Like all I thought about all day was what exercise and what food. I was away from my family way too much. There were days I'd cry because I "had to" do a workout. I started to feel guilty if I had a rest day. Crazy.  

Now... I still have days where I feel guilty but I'm working on that. I want to move in ways I enjoy and have rest days. I want to move because I want to move not because I have to.  

I'm pretty sure I was put on this earth to do more than just focus on weight loss, food, exercise, and my body? 

There is more to me than that! 

Still trying to find my purpose. 

I do not want my daughter's to be trapped in diet culture. So I'm working on me so they don't have to go through what I did. 

One of my daughters has already had a few break down days and was balling one day because she doesn't like the way she looks. This just absolutely breaks my heart. This diet culture crap has to end with me so it doesn't effect them and their kids etc. 

It's hard finding the balance. It's hard having teenage girls. Societies pressures are just ridiculous. 

I've also lost friends during this journey. I've made new amazing ones too. Gotten some back (kind of). It's been up and down as well. Friendship is sometimes hard for me because I want everyone to love me. I think they should love me as much as I love them and that just isn't going to be the case. I have some unanswered questions that may never be answered and I have to accept that. Pretty sure if someone hated me I'd still love them. 

So anyway friends. Maybe you're annoyed about my anti diet posts? Maybe this doesn't make sense? I just can no longer live a life trying to shrink myself. Losing weight doesn't always mean it's healthy. I'm also not saying you can't lose weight or that weight loss is bad...it's just that you really need to dig down and see if the things you're doing are truly healthy. What I've learned is that you just can't be in the pursuit of weight loss. If it happens it happens but 95% of people who lose weight while dieting gain it all back plus some and dieting is just not healthy for your body. 

I totally believe that if I would have came across intuitive eating, Heath at every size, etc at a way younger age...I may have been a steady weight...and wouldn't have put my body through so much torture and so many ups and downs. If we can accept that some people are just naturally thin...why can't we just accept that some people are naturally fat? 

There IS health at every size!!!

There are way more important things to focus on than our size. 

I'm here, healthy at this size. I feel amazing and so much happier and more confident than I've ever felt. Some may not agree. If that's you... You may want to check into fatphobia and weight stigma. I also highly recommend reading intuitive eating and health at every size. Body respect is also one I need to continue to read. 

So if you made it this far. Thank you. Hopefully this gives you a little background into why I am me. My struggles. 

Thankful for those who are still walking with me on this journey. It has not been easy. I am extremely blessed and God has given me way more than I deserve. 

I want to dive into God's word more and focus on what He wants me to be. 

And lose the weight of what I think the world wants me to be. 

4:04pm 

Much love to Infinity!!! 

Amanda Miller