I'm still alive!

I'm still alive!

I officially made it a week with ZERO exercise and I wanted to share with you how amazing it was.

It felt amazing because I was able to go to bed with no thoughts about what workout I was going to do the next day. It felt amazing because I didn't have to get up early. It felt amazing because I didn't have to worry about what to do after I got done cleaning for the day. I didn't lay awake in bed all night and stress about it. There were times I knew I'd enjoy doing something but it was one less worry off my mind. Not doing a workout for a day should never make anyone feel guilty EVER!!! Rest is good too.

Some people can not exercise. I am thankful God has given me this body to do what it can. It may be different every day and even different a year from now but I'm just going to keep moving forward. I kind of feel like I'm in a recovery period even though I have no formal counseling, or help etc.

So, first off if you missed it... my 11 year old daughter Jasmine read my food & body struggle blog and she talked to me about it. She then said "Mom, I want you to promise me you'll do a challenge where you won't work out for one week, I don't want you to feel guilty." She knows exercise often makes me feel better but she also knew that if I did not do a daily workout that I felt guilty which is not cool.

 I promised her that I would go a week with no exercise and I made it.

I definitely don't want my girls to feel guilty if they don't exercise everyday. I want them to know their worth has nothing to do with their body size or what workouts they do. So it's been a huge wake up call for me. They're watching me and I want to be a good example. I don't want them dealing with my struggles.

Let's rewind a touch. Growing up I never worked out. I may have rode my bike or went for a walk but that was the extent of it. Through high school I was in marching band and bowling but never did anything other than walk or ride by bike.

I did go to Curves (womens only) and sometimes had memberships to gyms but the gyms I mainly used the treadmills or bikes.

At one point when I worked full time I rode my bike every day during lunch whenever I could. Just because I enjoyed it but I always secretly had wished I would have lost weight doing so. (I think I may have lost some)

Once I started my surgery journey I often thought about doing more. In 2015 my sister in law talked Josh and I into doing a 5K. I didn't really prepare much for that but in Sept of 2015 she was by my side the entire time. I mostly walked and I kept telling her she could go ahead but she stayed with me. I was so emotional because I was so nervous. I was so happy that I was doing a 5K but felt bad because she stayed behind to stick with me. I hope to never forget that...it meant so much to me. Josh and I grabbed each other at the end and just cried. We both completed our 1st 5K! Thankful my sister in law pushed us to do that.

Once I had my surgery in Oct of 2015 I had my recovery period so I didn't start any major exercise until February of 2016. I was also in the process of getting ready for the Kent City Ridge Run 5K where my goal was to try to run the entire thing. I had only ran 1 mile straight before the run but I ended up running the entire 5K. That started my running bug.

Feb of 2016 I was also introduced to Beachbody workouts. This part is the hardest for me to explain. I'm even kind of frozen as I sit here to type. How do I sum this up? I don't think I would be where I'm at today without those workouts but at the same time at this point in my life am no longer paying for Beachbody on Demand workouts. The only way I would be able to do one of those workouts now is if I shut the sound completely off. I decided for my mental health it would be best to just find workouts I enjoy, workouts that make me feel happy, workouts that don't make me feel guilty if I don't workout everyday, have a beach body, or make me feel guilty if I'm not following 50 million different food plans, etc.

I felt great doing workouts but at the same time got to the point where I was doing 2 hours of workouts a day and never felt like it was enough. Or you know..."Never miss a Monday" so if I missed a day...I was bad!

I absolutely loved all the races I've run in and would like to do another one someday but I'm not sure when that will be. Right now I just want to run for fun and not be training for anything. I want to run and not worry about my pace. Or run whatever distance I want without feeling like I'm not good enough if someone else ran farther or faster.

In Feb of 2018 I said on Facebook "Loving that exercise is a TOP priority in my life right now"

I look at that now and think ... oh my goodness... it seriously was the only thing I thought about. It consumed me. I look back and realize my workouts were top priority and my family, my house, everything else came 2nd. Definitely NOT what I want from here on out.

Another part of me thought if I don't exercise I'm going to gain all my weight back.

Flippen A ya'll! I'm so done letting food, body, exercise be the top stuff on my mind. I am worthy no matter what. Period.

Yes I want to enjoy movement because it makes me feel good but it ain't gonna be 2 hours a day and if I miss a day it's ok.

Yes I am going to eat food that makes me feel good but I ain't gonna restrict or eat nothing or feel guilty for eating absolutely everything I put into my mouth. At one point I felt guilty if I ate more carrots than the serving suggestion said.  CARROTS...flippen carrots. Or ...you can only have a half of a banana , Seriously!?

So many people have said I'm an inspiration. I would like to inspire people. I never want people to feel guilty for anything though. Can I inspire people in other ways?

So maybe I'm not my 135lbs because I don't run 1 hour a day and do a 1 hour workout a day anymore. Or maybe I'm not 135lbs because I eat pizza and salad in the same week but again I no longer want all this to be my top priority anymore. My weight gain I feel is my bodies way of doing it's best to feel like it's keeping me alive. My weight gain could even be because I still don't give it enough food? I've read everyone has a set point weight and your body does what it needs to do to get there.

My life's work isn't trying to constantly change what I look like though. Many days I ask myself...what is my purpose on this Earth? I don't know right now but God knows. I trust His plan for me. I've made it through 100% of my bad days so far. Even days where I have felt like I don't want to be alive.

One thing I've realized though that makes it hard... I was praised for 2 hour workouts. I was praised for not eating too many carrots. I was praised for being 135lbs. Now that I don't post daily workouts or post before and after photos all that has went away. People totally treat you different when you're in a smaller body. It's frustrating. Why can't we all be good enough exactly the way we are?

I want my focus to be on things that matter.
I want my focus to be on God.
I want my focus to be on my family and true friends.

If I knew that I was going to die tomorrow I definitely wouldn't be thinking that I need to get back to 135lbs before I die. If I died tomorrow I would just want people to think of me as someone with a huge heart that was extremely loving. Not that girl who lost weight, kept it off, worked out 2 hours a day, and ate nothing.

If you made it this far... just do movement you enjoy and don't feel guilty about rest. Just eat food that makes you feel good and don't feel guilty ever about food. Don't diet. Do not go through weight loss surgery unless you have had counseling first.

& most importantly and what I need to do more of...

PRAY.

Letting things go and giving it all to God.
He will take care of me every second of every day.

God is so good! God is so great!

I'm thankful I'm still alive!