Only God Knows

Have you ever lost a friend?

I have.

I can only imagine that God has something so much greater for me! I'm excited to find out what that is! Only He knows my story and I'm really trying to put my complete trust in Him without looking back.

My mind goes back and forth some days and I really want to just give it all to God so I don't keep taking it back. Definitely still learning but remembering I'll never be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. I make lots of mistakes.

My best friend is my husband Josh and my best family member friend is my twin sister, but as of Jan 14th (or before) I lost a friend who I considered to be my best friend - friend.

Was it all my fault? It had to end with just a text? 5 years and then done? ...Only God knows!

While I know my overthinking caused problems in my mind (that possibly weren't a problem to begin with) what I don't understand is how a friend could just move on after 5 years?
(In my mind) ... so many amazing memories together that I would have loved to continue. I am thankful I can look back and smile about the memories we did share. Some of the best times of my life.

I mean...when I say I Love You Infinity - I mean it! I do still love her and her entire family lots. I feel very hurt. Not really sure what to think at times. Sometimes I get angry.
Maybe she feels hurt too? Which has NEVER EVER been my intention. I NEVER meant to do anything that would harm our friendship. I feel like I can't say anything else though? If I died tomorrow would she come to my funeral? Should I send her a birthday card? Would she just throw it away? What if we run into each other in person? Would she just ignore me? Is she just all happy now that we haven't talked? What does she tell people?... Only God knows!

One time she said to me " It's not like I think about you that often, I mean I walked into a store and saw a purple wreath and thought of you" That kind of stung because I thought about her a lot (still do). Maybe she meant it in a different way?

All friendships are different and everyone is different at showing their emotions, etc...and I get that but I feel like I am the type of friend who would do absolutely anything for my friends. I feel like I have a huge heart, care so much, and love with all my heart (maybe that is my biggest problem) ... I often wish it felt like someone liked me as much as I like them. Maybe they do? We all like to feel loved don't we?  I often was left feeling like --- am I not a good enough friend? Why doesn't she say to me some of the words she says to others? Comparison is the thief of joy - we've all done that!

So again - pretty sure this is all my overthinking... my stupid overthinking... which pretty much ruined our friendship. A friendship that I did not want to ruin.
I would love to just press a button - and POOF ... no more overthinking
BUT at the same time - how can I feel like I'm just being ME then?

I would love to be able to sit down and just apologize in person but how do I even ask?
Would she even accept an apology? I'm sorry for overthinking? Loving too much? Caring too much? Maybe I was too annoying or maybe she thought I had too many expectations? I don't really have a full story or her side of the story.

I don't know - I truly did not have any expectations except just wanting a true friend in person and true friend behind my back.

There are always the sayings - some people are in your life for seasons, etc... I guess I was just hoping it was a forever season? Maybe it's best to celebrate a new season and new friendships instead?

I want to continue to pray about it. I pray that maybe someday she will forgive me? I'm also praying I don't do anything to mess up other friendships and new friendships because they have meant so much to me.

Josh and my girlies are my world and they always come first but life is better with true friends.

I'll keep praying... God knows my name, He knows my heart, He knows my every thought, He sees each tear that falls, and He hears me when I call!

Only God Knows!