I'm Sorry

I am so thankful I have a day off today. There have been so many days where my mind just never stops and I've said before, sometimes I'm not great at explaining my feelings but I still really wanted to try and type a 4 year Anniversary update since my Gastric Sleeve surgery, so here I go.  It's been 4 years since Oct 1st 2015.

1st - I feel a strong need to apologize. I'm sorry for some / any / all of my posts that may have come across offensive, etc. Or if they "rubbed you the wrong way" Or the days when I bombarded your newsfeed with posts about topics I have strong feelings about.

My goal from here on out is to try and stay as positive as possible and only post something if it's "worth it" or necessary.

I was talking to Josh yesterday and he really opened my eyes and gave me a perspective on my thoughts that I really didn't think about. Along with some messages from friends, etc.

For example. I have read some books and have learned some new things that have really opened my eyes to "diet culture" that I didn't even realize was a thing. I'll explain more about that but basically... I was a dieter who turned to wanting to be an "undieter" because of what I've learned and thought that if I shared all these posts that I wish I would have seen before my surgery then it would help someone else or change their mind to switch to the "undieter" world.

Sure, people post articles and thoughts and their opinions and views all the time but I really just want to come across as more of a loving person and not try to think that you should "be like me".

I had a special friend say to me... "But it’s also like someone who quits smoking and then posts daily about how bad smoking is for you" "It might rub people the wrong way who have seen all your posts previously" 

Josh said... if someone posts something about a diet it's not going to make me want to go on that diet. So if I post something about being an "undieter" that's not necessarily going to make them change either. We'd both prefer that I just get rid of Facebook but I can't with my businesses.

4 years later I don't feel like my Facebook posts get as much attention as they use to so maybe it is because of the content I've been posting??? Who cares about Facebook attention really...it's sometimes not "real life" but I'm sure most people would agree that the more likes and comments your posts get... it boosts your mood...at least it does for me?

So long story but SORRY. Just totally trying to be a better Christian, Wife, Mom, Daughter, Granddaughter, Sister, Friend.

2nd - I feel like a completely different person than 3, 2, and 1 years ago! I do not have the same body size as those 3 years but I'm finally learning that my worth is not based on my size. There are so many factors that go into why we are the size we are. I don't even remember a time when I felt like I liked my body, if I even did at all? So I thought that I was a failure and that no matter what I did to try and loose weight that I just couldn't do it. Every time I'd go to a Drs appointment they would always say my problem was always my weight. After reading books called Health at Every Size, Intuitive Eating, and Body Respect I have felt so much freedom. There are even days I feel like I like my body. There are days I feel so much stronger and more mentally healthy.  My mental health needs to be just as strong as my physical health if not more.
I just feel like society puts this pressure on all of us that if you don't look a certain way that you must just be lazy and that you don't eat right. I've even seen someone say that being overweight is a sin. =( 

Undiet = eat in ways that make you feel your best and move your body in ways you enjoy. No counting calories, no restrictions of any food groups. We can trust our bodies to do exactly what they're meant to do.

Side note: it was so great to be able to enjoy our Women's Retreat and just eat and exercise without feeling guilty or overthinking, counting calories, or restricting food groups. Now that I have given myself permission to eat "anything" ... I eat what makes me feel the best. I don't go crazy around chocolate or desserts or binge on food I "can't" have. If I want a salad I eat a salad. If I want a cookie I eat a cookie. If I don't want a cookie, I don't eat it. I can have one a different day, etc.  (Some people may have medical restrictions...that's different) I have read though that if you're allergic or can't eat a certain food group there are ways to work around that so your mind doesn't think of it as a restriction etc.  The guilt around a food is much less healthy than just ... craving a cookie, eating a cookie, and moving on without thinking about it. Most often when I'd restrict a food...once I'd have 1, I'd have 3 more. Now there are finally days where I don't even have think about food BUT... I do have most days where I still don't eat enough.

If I would have read these books before my surgery I most likely would not have had it. I thought surgery was my only option. Surgery was not what I needed though. I needed someone to tell me I'm worthy no matter what I look like on the outside. Sure I may need nutritional guidance but food was never my main problem. Diets, restricting food, and not eating enough were my problem. My mindset was my problem. That's a hard pill to swallow. Drs may have changed the size of my stomach but they didn't help change my mind.
So now I have a permanent smaller stomach that hopefully won't cause me to die sooner. I have way more heartburn than I ever did before no matter what I eat and again...food was never my problem so I never needed to restrict the amount of food I ate.
All throughout my appointments I was never giving recommendations for counseling, etc. My "care" was just always based on if my weight went up or down.

So for 2/4 of the years my life felt like a full time job of tracking food, tracking exercise, it was all about the numbers. So going from 302lbs (238 at surgery) to 135lbs in those first years ended up leaving me feeling crazy and exhausted. I was so obsessed it's the only thing I focused on. I felt weak, I was never doing housework, I felt like I hardly paid attention to the girls. I would eat less than 1,000 calories a day and workout for 2 hours a day. I barely read my Bible or went to Church.
The hard part of it all is that when I'd post updates on Facebook I would get so many likes and comments that I  thought that all that mattered was what I looked like on the outside regardless of what it took to get there.  Sorry friends but trying to stay at 135, eating less than 1000 cals, and 2 hours of workouts a day is not sustainable or healthy FOR ME! Plus my family and home are so much more important.

Not being on a roller coaster of diets is healthier for me. Not restricting food is healthier for me. Not being obsessed with numbers is healthier for me. Moving my body in ways I enjoy and not over exercising is healthier for me. I am not lazy. I do not over eat.
Focusing on Being a better Christian,  wife and Mom is healthier for me.

This is just my body size today. My body has done so much for me that I need to learn to appreciate it and like / love it. Sorry if TMI but somedays I love my curves. My boobs are not as small. Josh has loved me at all sizes too and I am so thankful for his unconditional love.

I want my focus to be on God. To see myself the way God sees me. I've always been an overthinker. I just want to love and be / feel loved. When I die I want people to think of me as someone who was loving, not "she was an amazing dieter" , etc.

I have lost "friends" but I've gained even better ones! I've found true friends and they mean the world to me. Even ones I don't always get to talk to as much as I'd like. Just love them all.

In 2017 I shot my scale and haven't weighed myself since.
If you just look at my outside appearance and judge me based on that and never really get to know me, you're missing out. I love people who love me with all my heart. I don't know how to not love.

I want to love how God loves though and grow more in His word.
So it may be super slow progress and while I sometimes regret my surgery... God has taught me so much. I have done things and learned things I may not have without it.

To everyone who has been supportive through all my ups and downs. Thank you.
To everyone who prays for me. Thank you.
To everyone who actually made it to the end of this. Thank you. ;)

Much love to Infinity! Here's to the next year or loving ME more! 💜

Amanda

P.S. I'm sure I'll think of about 50 more things I forgot once I post this.