A Day Late

I kept thinking about my blog and how often I wanted to post. I may post more often but I thought I'd try to start with once a month at least. I wanted to aim for the 11th of every month because that's my favorite number so it would be easy to remember.

I'm a day late but if you're here...HELLO! ;)

How is it already March?

Family Updates

Josh: He is still working at Fox Motors. He enjoys it most days and he is blessed with an awesome schedule. He normally works M-F 8-4. He occasionally works 2 Saturday's on and 2 Saturdays off and then if he works Saturday he gets a day off during the week. He was able to take yesterday off and we got an entire day to ourselves. It was nice and sunny so it felt good to be out and about. The other day as we were leaving Church he said... "I love everyone here!"... and I said me too! I am so thankful we both love Ravenna Baptist Church and everyone there. I brought that up because in 51 days he heads with a group from Church to head to Manila Philippines. He will be going to a Children's camp where he will be able to play his guitar, and teach flag football. Such a good fit for him and I am so excited for him to go. It'll be a rough 10 days without him but I can't wait to hear all about it. Praying he has a safe trip and that God works through Josh to get to these kids. Your prayers would be amazing. He has all his funds raised. If you donated, thank you so much.

Abby: She is 12 now and most of the time people think she's 16. ;) She is really improving and doing well in school. Some classes need more work than others but I'm not even smarter than a 5th grader so most of the time Josh or grandparents help with homework because I am not good at it. She started 7th grade Volleyball and is doing amazing. I love to watch her serve and get excited when she scores points for her team. She is also still playing clarinet in yrband. Excited to see if she'll continue in the years to come.

Jasmine: She is 11 now and says she's the youngest in her class. She us Miss Detail still but I don't think she is actually the youngest. She is doing well also. She isn't currently in any sports but she does play Saxophone in band. She's not 100% sure if she still wants to play next year. She does say she wants to try Volleyball. ;) She doesn't often keep her room clean all the time but she is a great cleaning helper so I'm hoping she wants to work with me this summer. Both girls are excited because they get help out in Nursery at Church. They have also been loving Youth Group and retreats, etc that they've been on. I am so thankful they have such wonderful pastors and adults who lead the children's programs.

Josie: She is 5 but will be 6 on March 26th and she wants the whole month to be her birthday. We have told her that once she turns 6 she needs to move her bed into her bedroom and sleep in there. Her bed is currently in our bedroom. We actually don't mind it but we really want her to get used to her room. She's never slept alone (she's either been with the girls or us). Well, she may have had times in her crib alone but not too long. Man, it seems like yesterday she was just born and here she is almost 6. She is doing well in Kindergarten but she often wakes up in tears not wanting to go. Whenever we ask why she just says because she doesn't want to. She enjoys being on our phones, playing with her LOLs and Shopkins, and she's anxious to get outside to her pool and sand boxes.

Me: I suppose I don't have to update about me but I'd love to look back a year from now and see a (better?) update. The other day something happened to me and when Josh got home from work I lost it. Huge tears that I couldn't stop to explain what was wrong. When I finally gained my composure...I told him by the end that I really feel like I would benefit from professional counseling but haven't had any luck finding anything yet.
It's kind of hard to explain. On one hand I know I am extremely blessed and really should have zero complaints but on the other... I've never felt like this in my life. I've hit an extreme low and I have felt so depressed, down, and sad. I mentioned on Facebook one day that I feel like I often have no one to talk to. I know I can always turn to God and that's all that matters but I still feel really alone right now alot with my thoughts and feelings. I feel like whenever I try to explain my struggles (especially with body image and eating) I am just told to let it go and get over it.  I'm really trying to let it all go but that's really easier said than done.
My whole life I've been told I have to change my size. My whole life I've worked on my size. When I got to my smallest size I was praised but still felt like something was missing. Now that I'm not my smallest size I feel like everyone just "laughs" at me as if they're saying...I knew she wouldn't keep the weight off. She must have just let herself go. UM NO!
Eating 800 calories a day and working out 2 hours a day is not living.
Worrying about what my body looks like is not living.
Worrying about what others say about me is not living.
 I do not like what I see in the mirror but I want to. If only everyone knew my insides.
I just want to be free from all this. Especially since I don't want my girls to have to deal with these struggles. I don't feel like myself. I often feel like I'm putting on a fake smile. I love to smile though so...
Of course not every day because I do have really good days but it's just been rough.
I keep saying maybe when the weather is better (sunnier days have helped). Except I just need to change my mindset and say

Not today Satan - today I'm going to choose JOY! To let it all go and Trust God.

Still cleaning and Norwexing...wishing just the Norwex teehee

I have new amazing friends. I have a new amazing Church and Church family.
My family loves me no matter what and above all that I have a God who loves me even more and I know He'll get me through this.

I am worthy just because I am His!

If you could pray for me I would really appreciate it. Thanks for reading.
See you again before or on April 11th ;)

OH! I am going to do a 10K June 22nd. Haven't even really ran 1 mile. So hoping I'll get back into it.

P.S. I have 2 Facebook Accounts
Amanda Gail Long Miller - mostly Business
Amanda Miller - only personal